2010 and beyond...but mostly this is about 2010

in 2010 I resolve to:

-find another cereal that has both, been tested by kids...but also is approved by moms

-fight injustice, and possibly Pauly Shore

-teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, and then buy them a diet dr pepper

-end more sentences with prepositions

-watch the Bearcats win, what I'll refer to as, the National Championship


-star in a buddy commercial - one fun loving cop and one older, cranky cop...both of them trying to fight crime and also enjoy a delicious turkey sandwich.  I'd like to play the fun loving, younger cop.  I think I can pull it off.  (I should mention that I love turkey sandwiches...that's not even acting for me.)


-launch my delicious vegetable based beverage - V9 "Like v8, but extra...and ours doesn't have that stupid fruity tomato in it!"

-watch Isaac win best supporting for Hitting the Nuts


-finally win a thumb wrestling match with Chris Day winner takes all.


-go on a double date with Jarnsie

-see that new Sharlock Holmes movie

-take my mixed creative arts dojo to the next level.

-buy Fuller and young Bradley matching segways

-punch someone in the larnyx (possibly Pauly Shore)

-kick it old school like an old fool

-Remake the Rodney Dangerfield classic "Back to School" with Daniel Day Lewis in the lead role.

-reconfigure my 3d breath right nasal strips with even more creative and hilarious raccoon pictures.

-continue to increase my horizontal leap

-convince the producers of Glee to figure out a way to not make their songs look so lip synchy (it's a word) and maybe the cheerleaders don't wear their uniforms to school every day?

-take over for Oprah

-start a seven man Weezer tribute band including at least one Jonas


that should do it...

Question me?

If you were a dog, what are you thinking about?
Sure I'd want all the kibbles you could throw at me if I was a dog...but bits?  I mean...come on...we can do better people.

My New Year's plans?
Three words - Ryan Seacrest on television

Anything confusing about going to the gymnasium?

1.  Old guy on the treadmill wearing jeans.  I gotta think chaffing would enter the equation
2.  Different old guy sitting on a bench un-ironically wearing a white terry cloth headband and staring at the mirror for upwards of thirty minutes.  If anyone would notice how insane that look is, wouldn't it be him?


Oscar predictions?
I predict the awards show that catches guff for going too long still won't realize that adding five best picture nominations to the show actually makes it longer.  I predict two Kanye West jokes.  I predict Quinton Tarantino will wear a really ugly tuxedo.  I go along with Clubber Lang in my prediction of pain.  I predict Christopher Waltz will win best supporting actor.

Anything new in your life fella?
Some of my friends promised to get married this past week.  Brad and Leah are getting a cool sister legally, and Katy gets to see Steve cringe at family functions when everyone wears Steeler's jerseys.
Also, the word guff.

Last words?
yes...you're welcome                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

clutch

If I ever take the time to put a list together of the men who have had the greatest influence on my life, Brad Johnson would be right up there near the top.  I became a follower of Jesus in 1988 and Brad was one of my earliest mentors in what I still refer to as the time when I grew the most in my relationship with God.
 
I've never met someone who was better at firing up or motivating a crowd.  He took a group of college students and literally helped to change the trajectory of thousands of lives.  Brad was the area director for Young Life on the east side of Cincinnati for years, and there are still tons of areas, and even regions, that are led by people who were under the leadership of Brad.  We were at a conference where they asked people to stand up if they'd been led by Brad, and then people who were led by the people standing were asked to stand...and so on.  Roughly 700 people (out of maybe 720) ended up standing.  Sadly, I don't often see the same kind of mentor-ship or influence out of the church world.  It's easier to speak from a stage and hope people follow - it's more exciting to put on the big events...but I'm just not sure that we'll see the same influence in the long run.  We could learn a lot from Brad.
 
He was great at leading a crowd too.  He's one of the top speakers I've ever heard.  He's absolutely the best leader of small to medium sized groups that I've ever seen.  I'm not sure that I've ever had the opportunity to see anyone lead quite like Brad.
 
Beyond his abilities, Brad is just a good guy.  As I was leaving his area to move out of town Brad found out that my car had broken down.  He decided that we were going to fix it.  When "we" fixed it, we drove to Columbus and Brad bought all the parts and then proceeded to replace my clutch.  I can say that I helped to put in a clutch, because I stood next to Brad and periodically would hand him a wrench.

It said tons to me that he was willing to leave town and help me out, even in the midst of me leaving his area.  He's one of the greats, and I'm a better friend, husband and father because of my time spent with him...

Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve

Went to the Vineyard Christmas show last night and I'll give you a few of my personal highlights.
-Pre-show meal with friends
-Went with my beautiful wife
-No Murphy pooped their pants
-Brad's intro of Simeon
-Simeon mocking my benign tremor
...and his monologue was pretty solid too
-Watching my kid's two favorite moments
     a.  when they lifted the swing back into the ceiling
     b.  their bedspread on the stage
-Seeing local weblog friends Rebel Pilgrim, Bshaw, driving, j-money, fuller, lawgirl, dwork, my gal, and also that one blog that I love but don't have room to mention here.
-The opening cartoon
-Seeing my friends be awesome
-Cooper picking up piles of spent streamers, throwing them up into the air and proclaiming, "It's a trash miracle!"
-I believe there are still some seats available tonight and tomorrow night..I'm just saying...

a fella

Annie and I had dinner with some Evan and Kim Griffin the other night at Chinatis (maybe the best pizza in Cincinnati?) and had a great time with some of our oldest friends. (take that however you like)
 
I've known Evan for twenty years(ish) now and there aren't three people I look up to more than him.  He's a little hard to describe, but if you know Fulller - think of an older, wiser, more athletic and insightful guy that's less sarcastic, less commitment phobic, about the same height, visits less churches and doesn't wear elf shoes.  Notice I didn't say sexier or with less hair.  I'd say they're equal in both departments.  Boom!  (too strong? I mock those I love)
 
Annie says that every time I meet with Evan it costs me twenty bucks.  That's because I always walk away with a ripped up napkin with the name of a book I've "got to read Murph".  He's the boy who cried book.  Every book is the greatest...even if he hadn't finished it yet.
 
I'll buy whatever book Evan tells me to because Evan has earned the right in my life to gently encourage me to think about some new things.  I've watched his life enough to know that maybe following after some of the same things Evan seems to go after might not be a bad way to go (Heb. 13:7ish).  He's been a great example to me of an older (much) guy who loves his wife, family and friends in a way that's uncompromising, full of grace and tons of truth. 
 
Evan has had more impact on others than anyone I've ever met.  He's had more impact on people than any organization or church I've ever seen.  He's talked about this idea of one on one time and investing in people's lives for so long, that now I get to see some of the fruit.  He's impacted tens of thousands through himself, and the people he's mentored doing the same...and so on...and so on.  He's not about events, he's about conversations...and most of us could learn from that.  It takes longer in the short run...but over time, it just wins...

When Annie and I were thinking of names for our first little Murphy, Griffin came up because of the influence that Evan Griffin has had on my life.  To be honest, if Evan's name was Gern Blansten...I'm not sure we would have gone that way.  It was a combo of influence and a great name, but I'm not sure what more I could say about Evan than that our Griffin was named with the hope that he too would live out his life for others, and impacts tens of thousands...

Adding to my resume

It's a new day in Murphy family sports.  Oh sure, I've coached High School wrestling (Mustangs, Middies, Warriors & Indians) and High School football (Middies & Lions).  I've even coached t-ball (Wildcats).  These were all sports in which I had a decent amount of experience.  It just makes sense, you want a coach who knows what the heck he or she is talking about.

That will not be the case with the Cheetahs.  This is a team of 3rd & 4th graders who just found out their assistant coach doesn't know a pick and roll from a box and one.  Oh sure, I can knock down J's and take it to the hole all day long.  I got crazy, stupid hops and can take a charge like a champ...but I'm just not sure I'm the fella for this job.

Griff had his first practice and the coach all but begged for someone to assist his coaching.  The second practice had no one step up, and I was performing improvisational "comedy" for Steven Joseph Fuller...and a few others.  (somewhere off in the distance I could hear the soft humming of Cat's in the cradle...I think it was Joe).  Third practice comes around and I'm the schlep that steps into the coaching void.

A couple of things to note:
1.  The team I assistant coached in State College, Pennsylvania?  They're in the state championship this weekend.
2.  The team I'm assitant coaching this year in the Dub C?  So far...undefeated.

Coincidence?  I think not

Typecasting

Cooper played Joseph in his Preschool production of the Christmas story.
My unbiased review follows.

The stage was set up nicely and the costumes were spot on.  The backstage crew obviously had put some time and energy into this show.  That's about all it had going for it for most of the first act.

Unfortunately there was a bit of miscommunication between the narrator and the Angels.  I personally believe it was a problem with direction, and not necessarily the talent or casting.  Right about when people started looking at their watches and shifting uncomfortably in their seats...a star appeared.  Not a constellation...this wasn't the star that shown over Bethlehem.  No, this was the star that shown over the Dino-Fours production of the Christmas Story.  Young Cooper "Coop" Murphy walked out onto that stage as though he owned it.  For that brief moment the audience had a collective moment of clarity.  We knew we were witnessing greatness.

This was a young Beethoven sitting down for the first time at a piano.  This was El Greco picking up a paintbrush....Carrot Top sifting through the trash... 

When Joseph asked if there was room for even one more at the Inn, you felt the chill in the air.  That chill?  Desperation...

I watched Quentin Tarantino smack John Travolta across the face after he witnessed Coop become Joseph before his eyes.  There are rumors that Phil Hoffman is quitting the business.

It was a performance for the ages - but alas, it was a one time only engagement....

I did hear that he'll be playing the part of Santa's elf in next year's production of The Santa and I...

Judge this

They say that you can't judge a book by the cover.

First of all, they should stop telling me what to do.
They often steal balloons from small children and it seems pretty hypocritical of them to go around pronouncing what all of us should and should not do.
They are jerks.

I should also ask them why not?  What if the book is covered in dead baby seal skin?  Should I ask a few questions, or dare I say make a few judgments about the book then? (side note - that's why I'm not so sure about Fuller's book).

My rules of thumb:
Don't buy a book with cartoon pictures on the cover
Don't buy a book if they use the words slacks, oily, dance, sassy or Coulier appear on the cover.

They might call that judgmental, but they are stupid and I just happened to know that they voted to keep Ron Pallilo out of the Sweathogs reunion in 1987.

So why would I listen to them?

'tis the season

My friend Brad produces three things very well:
1.  Christmas productions
2.  a dead on Funky Bunch impersonation
3.  restaurant quality eggs Florentine

The first one is great because it's become a yearly tradition, it's free, and it's always a great night out.  The second one is problematic because you still need to find a decent Marky Mark impersonator to make it fly...and man, you should try those eggs.

Having said that, I'd love to see you at this year's Christmas Show at the Vineyard Community Church (in beautiful, downtown Springdale, Ohio).  Tickets are available for Monday, December 21st - 23rd - two shows a night.  I've heard that it's a little bit of music, a little bit of comedy and a little bit of visual deliciousness.

Seem like a no-brainer...

Spotlight

I'd like to take the time to thank/highlight/mention/write about some of my favorite people and/or the people I'm most thankful for.

I'd do it on Thanksgiving, but I'm not going to let that holiday be the boss of me (same goes to you Flag Day!).

It would make the most sense that I'd start with my beautiful bride. There is no one that is more favorited (it's a word) or that I look up to more, or that I'm more thankful for. Having said that, I'm not going to go in order of preference because I don't want to rank people- because that's not what this is about either. I can just see people asking me why I ranked Annie above Jesus or Hasselhoff below anyone...

Anyhow, today I will tell you about my friend Stacy.

I should tell you right from the start that young Stacy is actually a guy. I'm not sure if his parents were fans of Stacy Keatch or if there was some sort of bet lost...but they went with a girl's name. Maybe to toughen him up through grade school?

Not really the point. Stacy was a great friend to me while we were living in the Keystone state. There was no one that was more encouraging to me as I was struggling to figure out the ways of the Pennsylvanians. He was honest, kind, funny and a great example to me in how he loved his family, ministry and the people around him. I'm not sure you'll find a better listener in the state, or a more humble man either. Those two qualities seem to go hand in hand and he was a daily reminder for me of just what they look like.

The world would be a better place with more guys who have girl's names...that's not really what I wanted to say here....let me start over.

The world would be a better place with more fellas like Stac around. I'm a big fan, and I couldn't be more excited about the little girl from China that will soon find a new father in State College, Pennsylvania. She really couldn't do any better.

So thanks Stac, you're one of the greats...

Mob Rules

Tomorrow at 11AM, a silly amount of people will meet up at Fountain Square to dance, dance, dance.

But Sean, I'm not sure I know how to dance.
You don't have to.  It's like square dancing...you just follow the instructions on this instructional video

I'm just not sure I have the guts to show up and dance in the middle of downtown.
That's why you bring a friend, co-worker, relative, neighbor or Bob Saget...maybe even your whole small group.  If this things goes south, you just laugh and blame it all on MSG. 


It seems like I can do this, but what's the deal with Tiger Woods?
He's pretty good at golf, and maybe we should pray for the fella...


Back to the whole dance thing.  Is this like dance, dance revolution?
No, that's just silly.  We're not really revolting so much as having fun with 999 of our closest friends...

I'm pretty busy, I'm not sure I can make it.
Too busy for 45 minutes of unfettered joy?  Too busy to be a part of something bigger than yourself?  Too busy to capture a moment, a snapshot of something that will live on until someone loses this video years from now?  I think we both know the answer to that question...


So obviously I will see you on Fountain Square. Saturday, December 12 at 11am.
Remember to invite your friends.

What up G?

I bought a new cellular telephone this week.  The old one is no longer with us.  It was a happy funeral.
 
Sadly I will miss all my old contacts.  They're gone.  I respond to every text message with, "now...who is this?"
 
I went AT & T, Cincinnati Bell, Verizon and Cricket.

Verizon has the best coverage, Cincinnati Bell has some decent plans, AT & T has...an overpriced phone, and Cricket made me run home to take a shower.  They had a t-shirt on their wall (among many others) that said, "I fart on first dates".  So there's that...

Apparently 3G is a big deal for these guys.  Three of the four claimed the most users in Cincinnati (Verizon) and they all claimed the best customer service (Flavor's Eatery).  Apparently it's a cutthroat competition among cellular telephone carriers.

I've stumbled upon a brilliant marketing for the little mom and pop company to take over the top position on the mobile phone market - 7G's.  It's more than double the G's at the same price.

Seems so simple - more G's.  We crave the G's and I think it's high time someone gave us those G's...the country is crying out for those darn things. 
Think of the children...

I'm ready for my closeup Mr. Bill

Three shows in a row this week.  We call that a trifecta in the biz.  And by "we" I mean me, and by "biz" I mean horse racing.

Tonight we're doing a public show, tomorrow night a small private party of maybe 25ish, and Friday night a private party of maybe 350ish....doesn't feel so private, does it?

My friend (we'll call him "Joe") has said that you want at least 20 and no more than 100.  We haven't done a show with less than 20 since our first performance (you may remember our performance at the Cancer Wellness Center?) and we've done a bunch with 100+.  50 feels about right for improvisation.

So tonight is our last public show of 2009, and it's a free one.  I think it's our first free show since our command performance for the octogenarians of Mallard Cove (I need a famous celebrity maybe from the movies?  Stan Laurel!  Abe Vigoda!) so you can't beat the price.  We'll be at the Northside Tavern - 4163 Hamilton Ave. - Cincinnati 45223 from 9-11 tonight. 

Come on out - it should be fun...or at least free...

I'd invite you to sneak in on the private shows, but I don't really know where they are...

Waterpickle

Just wondering how different the news would be if a bunch of young fellas had broken into an office complex named Waterpickle in '72?

It would have caused the Waterpickle cover up/scandal.

More importantly, we would in the future have:

Billypickle
Trooperpickle
Whitewaterpickle
Iranpickle
Travelpickle
Monicapickle
Climatepickle

I'm not sure the news would run with pickle as a suffix quite as much as they seem to love "gate"

That just occurred to be as I was driving back to the Murphy estate this morning...

now go and use this knowledge to change the world!

Leadership

I had a front row seat in Scott's leadership for dummies class this weekend.
 
I was the dummy.

Our medium sized group met and helped a lady move her house on Saturday.  We actually just moved all her stuff and left her house where it was.  It was nine steps up and down from her front door to the street - and we moved to a second floor apartment.  I should mention that she took her appliances with her as well.
 
When we arrived, not much had been done.  Stuff wasn't packed, boxes weren't together...we were basically starting from scratch and it was a bit overwhelming...but then Scott stepped up. 

He took over and it was brilliant.  I was the connection from the lady (who has M.S. and isn't able to lift much) and our group.  I was sort of waiting for her to give us our marching orders, but Scott quickly understood that she wanted us to take over.  And that's just what he did.
 
Within three hours we'd taken apart cribs, bookshelves and beds.  We'd loaded cars, SUV'S (for those who hate mother Earth) and pickup trucks (for those who love NASCAR).  We took apart a fridge and moved it along with a stove.  Couches & recliners and dressers oh my...

If Scott hadn't taken over, I'm fairly certain that we'd still be there.
It was a pleasure to watch and to follow his lead...so thanks doc...

Birth announcement

My big brother (we'll call him "Brian") turns one day older tomorrow.  He's also officially one month older...and one year older on December the 5th.

So here's my problem.  We purchased for him a magazine subscription to the Excellence in Sports Programing Network.  So what do you give someone on their birthday when all you have is a paid bill?

Here's the other issue - he's in Egypt.(insert 80's music reference here)  It seems a little much to travel to the Middle East...or Africa...or Kentucky for that matter, just to give him a card letting him know he'll soon enjoy 12 months of sports reporting that he could obtain on the world wide web for free...but this way we kill a few trees and give his mailman something else to fill up his mailbox.

Maybe we shouldn't look at it that way.  So I'm thinking that maybe we send him an e-card?

School Picture Day

Getting my picture taken today.  That's kind of an odd one, because they're realy taking nothing from me but my likeness.  Ultimately they'll be giving me a picture and taking nothing from me.  I should say right here and now that my faith doesn't allow for the idea that those magical picture taking machines actually steal your soul.  I don't want to ram my religion down your throat, but that's just what I believe.

Having said that, I really dislike having someone point a camera in my direction and saying, "now really Sean, smile!  Smile for real!  Just smile!"  It's far too many exclamations for something so mundane.
 
I should also mention that my teeth were bound by metal braces for nine years.  I was well versed in the closed mouth smile, or smirk.  It was through my formative years that this habit began and it's hard to break a habit that was formed while I was being formativedated.
 
But I was told to wear a dark shirt and smile at 1 o'clock today.  I'd rather live my life on my terms (see young Brad's weblog for insight) and shun the cameras flash and click...but alas, I a man who follows orders...

I'm just hoping I get one of those plastic combs...

Do as I write

I am struggling to lift my arms up to the keyboard and type this.  I have been lifting the weights for a while now...or so I thought before today.

Today I began an actual program.  Before today I would lift what was, to me, a decent amount of weight...get tired...and then go home.  This morning was different.  Today I followed the advice of a book.  It was like having a personal trainer, only you have to count for yourself...and save $50.  It was also incredibly difficult.  It's interesting what having an expert's opinion will do to something as simple as lifting weights.
 
So after one day of following this new lifting plan, I'm really hurting.  At the same time, I feel like I now have the knowledge to "train" someone else.  I've read about and now know the program and could take just about anyone through it..and it would work.  Silly, but true.  My internet-touch even has instructional videos on hundreds of exercises...so if I forget how to do something, I just click a button.  Presto-bamo everybody wins.
 
About fifteen years ago I was asked to teach a parenting class.  I wasn't a parent and I thought it was a silly idea (teaching the class...not parenting)...so I did it (the class...and eventually the parenting).  The things I said were true, and I believe people might have even learned a few things from this non-parent.  You can teach people stuff that you're not really doing.
 
We do it all the time (we being parents, teachers, coaches, pastors, Amway salespeople, you get the point by now talkers).  Sad, but true.  It's easier to teach/write/talk/preach than it is to do.
 
I've done enough talking, and this morning I did a little doing.  I like the doing better...it's just harder.
(you get the irony of me running home to write this, right?)

A flock of seagulls

I ran today.
I had a new gameplan in the gymnasium and it wasn't fun.
At all

A few months ago I went in and "ran" for one minute.  I walked for 19 and ran for 1.  The next day I walked for 18 and ran for 2.  Then 17 & 3...and so on until I hit 30 minutes of "running".  After I was comfortable with my thirty minutes of running (really it was more of a jog or an incredibly fast walk complete with the pumping of my arms and the constant threat of vomit) I started increasing my speed every day.

I also started lifting weights.  The problem with lifting weights is that they're really heavy.

And much like my running goals, I set some lifting goals...and eventually met those.

So I've decided to try something new...and today it began.  I walked, then jogged, then jogged a little faster...and then faster...until I was running the fastest that I have since being chased by the secret police after I wrote that scathing article about flip flops in Pravda.

It was awful.
And tomorrow I'll do it again...and it won't be so bad...or maybe it will...but I'm going to do it on Thursday too.  I've had a little success in the past three months with incremental goal setting, and ultimately I don't want to drift into 2010 wishing I'd be more proactive with my time and health.

I'm not waiting until the end of December to start my resolutions and start living how I want to live.  There's just not enough time to waste another month.

Butterball

Thanksgiving came and went without one person saying, "I think we should all go around the room and tell everyone what they're most thankful for"
...and for that, I am thankful

I don't need a national holiday sponsored by Butterball to tell me what to do.
They can't hold me down to their oppresive rules of how I should live my life.
 
Having said that - today is Cyber Monday and I'll take this national holiday as my opportunity to express my gratitude towards:
-JR for frying a turkey on my front lawn
-Jimmy, for not making me call him JR
-The Steg-fam for making my personal favorite foot item of the holidays, while simulataneously making our entire medium sized group a Christmas compact disc with my personal favorite Christmas/Kwanza/Hanukkah song (hint: think BNL & Sarah McGlaughlin)
-The Elders for burying the Youngsters by a score of 35-28 in backyard football
-Prescriptive medicine for keeping the Boyd family alive
-Mr. Bob Saget
-Annie for being awesome, beautiful, funny & an above average speller
-Isaac, mostly for his storytelling and life experiences that play out well with his telling of stories
-You
-Scott D and his frantic football hijinks

The Rules

I think it's time someone set up some basic rules for everyone's benefit.
 
Who should make these rules, you might ask...
Paul Smiley, that's who.

That's not the point though.  The point is that most of us are floundering out here looking for someone to set up a system of sort.
 
First question for Paul:
  What are the parameters for the Celebrities die in three's rule?

We need a time limit.  Do they have to die at the same time?  Same Day?  Same Week?  Same Month?

What constitutes a "Celebrity"? 
    Everyone has been on tv.  There are over 1,000 people who currently have a role on a daily or weekly tv show that's shown nationally.  Television has been around for 75 years (ish?) and that means that roughly everyone sort of qualifies.  Throw in politicians, radio personalities, Oprah guests and beauty queens...well, Paul needs to draw up some sort of venn diagram to lay this out.
 
For instance - if Don Rickles, Roddy Piper & Squiggy all die within 10 days, does that even count?
 
Should there be lines based on the field?
-Actor needs to be a lead in a top 10 show, nominated for an Oscar or an Emmy or married a Gabore sister.
-Singer needs to have 2 top ten hits or been married to Cher.
-Reality contestant or "star" shouldn't count unless they've been a member of our society of...I mean been a Scientologist for at least ten years and been a fourth level Gosmonaut.

I also think it's a three day rule.
So if Gary Busey, Cloris Leachman and Michael Stipe go down in the next 72 hours...well, then we're talking.

when the day is long...and the night...

Thwarting the bad people

A couple of things to get this thing kicked off.
   1.  This was mostly an excuse to use the word "thwarting"
   2.  I love lists

I've got a rock solid, genius idea for fighting crime pacifist style.
Here's what you do:
    First I need you to buy one of those plastic rocks that have a "secret" compartment in them.  Most of these look pretty much like plastic rocks that have keys hidden in them.  If you happen to get one that looks like a rock, you'll want to spray paint it gray or brown...or any color that will make it look more fake...but sort of like you were trying to make it camoflaged. 
 
   Now you've got a really obvioius hidden key.

   Second step.  I want you to go through your key chain and remove the 1-7 keys that you never really use.  I'd also like you to remove that annoying keychain that is actually bigger than the keys.  That's just silly.  If it's a bottle opener, we may need to have a separate talk about your acting like a 19 year old frat boy. 
Moving on.  I want you to take one of those extra keys...and put it in your fake rock.
 
  THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.  You can't put a house or car key in the fake rock.  That'd be stupid.  Don't be stupid.  Why would you want to be stupid? 

   Next you need to put that rock somewhere in front of your house. 

  What will happen next is that some devious criminal will happen upon your hidden key and attempt to unlock your front door...and then your back door...and side door.  Who has a side door though?  Not the point.  The point is that we're giving criminals False Hope.  What's worse than false hope?  Maybe people wearing one senquined glove as some sort of Michael tribute...outside of that?  Nothing.
 
If you want to cut down on criminal behavious, set them up to be dissapointed.  It just makes sense.
 
Side note:  you can do the same thing with your car.

you're welcome.

Staycation is on...in 8 hours

Looks like I'm not working so much next week.

Oh sure, I'm with the Q City Players tonight (and two shows on Sunday).

You could call that work...but I lean towards that being play with benefits.
Get to be a part of Turkeyfest tomorrow, and watch Ohio State beat that team up north later on...
Backyard football and hanging with our small group, so there will be stretching out and diagraming plays...
 

But I'm still looking for great ideas for late November in Cincinnati.

Ideas?

The Doctor is on the Table

A friend of mine came up with the idea of a series of tubes that would traverse a breakfast restaurant.  You would then have unfettered access to delicious coffee right at your table.

I'd forgotten about this genius idea until today, while listening to a podcast...someone submitted the idea that individual tables should have fountain machines.
GENIUS

What's not great about that?

You can't think of anything, right?

O.K. maybe you like to shoot holes in even the greatest of ideas.
-What about the cost Sean?
  it cost about 2 cents to fill up a glass of delicious Diet Dr. Pepper...and they'll be lining up to sit at a table with a truly bottomless glass of that treat.
-Um...well...it just seems like you're trying to take jobs from poor waiters and waitresses.
nope, we just made their job easier.

Now I just need one of you entrapaneurial types to take this and run with it.
If you can get Chipotle on board, that'd be a bonus...

Dear Diary

I'm thinking of taking some time off next week.  I'm off on Monday, Thursday and Friday already...so what's the problem with two more days hanging with my homies?

I can catch up on my L. Ron Hubbard books
I can redo my New Year's Resolutions for '09 so they're more attainable
I can finally get Cooper out in Simon Says
I can finish up my quest to get a free Wii for the little ones

Here's the problem
I have one meeting on Tuesday that I'll have to move around...and I'm not sure I have the guy's number to call and reschedule
also...I haven't really planned any spectacular vacation extravaganza...nor do I have money to do anything
also...I really do have some work I need to get done
also...who wants to miss two for Tuesday at the Vineyard?
 

So many decisions to make Diary, so many decisions...

Q City Players Show this Friday

We made a movie. (and by "we" I mean Joe) and then did a few private shows (nothing naughty...unless you count C-Day mounting everyone at some point) and now we're doing a few shows out in the public.

           

One that I'm particularly excited about is this Friday at my favorite Coffee House.  We'll be in Clifton Friday night and I'm interested in seeing how that will go.  If you haven't been to TAZA, you're in for a treat.  It's a cool setup and they definitely weren't thinking nationally famous improvisational troupe when they built the place.  That works out well for us, because we're none of the above.

Having said that - we'd love to see you there on Friday.  Parking is kind of a pain (not their official slogan, but I think it has a nice ring to it) but they do have delicious Italian sodas...so there's that.

P.S. - I was just making dinner plans (via facebook) with some friends for Sunday evening when Annie mentioned we have two shows at Flavors Eatery on Sunday night.(two dinner shows)  Oops.  Tickets for that show are $15...and I hear they're almost sold out.  All the more reason to spend $5 and go to TAZA on Friday.

a few quick things

1.  I don't want to be anyone's neighbor in the coaster kingdom on Facebook.  It's nothing personal...I think you're great, I just have no idea what that actually is...and it's a horrible time to move right now.  Same for accepting meatballs and spaghetti from your cafe.  I just don't trust the people in that kitchen.

2.  Congratulations to the Bengal's fans.  Your defense played great.  That's what teams that win in the playoffs do.

3.  Griff had a great birthday weekend and these past nine years have been the best nine years of my life.

4.  Celebrity Cage Match - who wins - The cast of House vs. The cast of Home Alone III?  A couple of things to keep in mind:
    House doesn't need a cane in real life
    The kid from H.A.3 is all grown up
    There are no blow torches, super glue or greasy ladders allowed in the cage.

Posterous

8 PM on a Friday night and I just found posterous.  I then linked it to my weblog.  I then added an awesome photograph and am now seeing how it looks.  Obviously I love all this, or else you wouldn't see this... Did I mention that it's Friday night and I'm doing this? 2 quick excuses: 1.  Weekly poker game not happening this week.  Clearly it's not so weekly. 2.  The Cifan's feared playing us in euchre to the point that they feigned a magical illness.  That brings us to a 3 to 2 score in the standings. And it's Friday night, got Daddy day at Coop's school in 13 hours and maybe I should make it a Daddy night at home by wrestling the little ones into submission. Have a great weekend.

Posted via email from Sean's posterous

A Great Weekend

I'm feeling pretty good going into this weekend. 

It's been a good week so far, and it promises to get better...

First of all, I had Joe Cada in my fantasy poker league.
Alpha ended last week and I had Wednesday night and most of Thursday night off.
I'm married to a smoking hot brunette from Wooster.

and in addition to all of that...

U.C. is playing the Mountaineers.
OSU is playing the Hawkeyes
Saturday is "daddy's day" at Coop's school.
Griffin is having his birthday party shortly thereafter
I get to work Saturday night and Sunday...and um...well... technically the week ends on Saturday (although that's just silly)

So you think you can Canasta?

It seems like on some level the television networks have stopped trying.  I say that they jumped the shark when Arthur Fonzarelli attempted to ski jump  over a shark cage.
  
There are far too many shows with the word "dance" in them and far too few with the star "Saget" in them.
Those are just the facts.  It's simple math.
 

Having said that, I'm always curious about how they come up with the titles.  There was this awful show that made people feel superior, called Extreme Makeovers, a few years ago.  It was all about taking men and women, replacing their various body parts with new ones...and suctioning out their fat and dignity.  At the same time, the network decided to do a similar show with house cosmetic surgery.  They were very different shows, but for some reason they gave them similar names.  I guess they figured it was sort of a cross promotional thing.  Now we have a show that makes people cry, and a cancelled show that no one remembers.

So you think you should dance has always seemed like an aggressive title.  It's odd to see such an in your face title on a show that revolves around people waving their hands in front of their faces and crying when they get a ticket to Las Vegas.

So you think you can cross-stitch?

So you think you can hopscotch?

So you think you can juggle?

So you think you can do a spot on Yoko Ono impersonation?

I'd watch two of those...

Putt Putt in my living room

I used to walk the hallowed football/soccer field of State College High School and marvel at the feel of the fake grass.  Astro turf is very different from the days of the Bad News Bears.  This stuff comes complete with fake dirt and you could actually mow it (once).  It looks and feels just like the real thing.
 

So here's what I'm thinking.  Why shouldn't I carpet my house with this stuff?

 

Who doesn't like walking barefoot through the grass?

Who wouldn't want to practice their penalty kicks in the dining room?

Who doesn't want to play beans/bags/cornhole in their hallway?

Who doesn't want to play lawndarts anywhere?  Indoor or outdoor, those are the greatest.

You could vacuum with a rake.  You could chalk out of bounds lines for your kids.  You could paint the logo of your favorite football team in your bedroom.  You could tear some fake grass and throw it in the air to see what direction your ceiling fan is blowing.

Seems like a no-brainer.

You're welcome.

Individual Retirement Account?

If I went on a rampage and started knocking over mailboxes in my neighborhood, I'd hate for people to assume that it was an IRA thing because my name is awesome...and Irish.

If I started blowing up mailboxes and yelling slander at the likes of B.P & Oasis...maybe you're looking at a hate crime.  If I'm leaving notes about Ireland gaining back it's freedom, you could logically assume that I'm making some sort of statement.

Maybe you shouldn't assume it's an IRA thing if you see me leaving a bag of flaming poo on Brad's porch.  It's probably just me getting back at him for the off-handed remark he made about my socks (I have feelings Brad!).  Also, if you see me calling Jarnsie and asking him if his fridge is running...that's just because I'm hilarious and I miss the Jerky boys.  It's not an Irish thing.  I just happen to be Irish...and sure, I love potatoes...but don't think we all do.

A friend of ours was promoted this week.  We're both excited for him, and profoundly sad for all of our loss.  We're praying for his family and remembering him today.

Electiongate

I haven't seen anything with "gate" on the end of it for awhile, so I thought I'd get one going.






Here is what I voted for yesterday:
A bunch of people I've never met and don't know much about.
 
A vote against casinos (can that be good for a society?  the working poor?  the working rich?  the unworking people who used to be rich, but then lost everything in a tragic boating accident?)
  
I guessed on a few other issues.
 
I walked out of there with a sweet sticker and a business card.


This is what I didn't vote on, but would have liked to:
1.  A law against toys that are packed in containers that can only be opened with wire cutters and a blow torch.

2.  A law against us spending money on stickerss just so people can either brag about their pulling a lever or shame others into voting for whomever PDiddy is telling them to vote for.

3.  A law against spending money on business cards to hand out to people who will throw them into their trash can, shredder, recycling receptical, or on the ground.

4.  A law calling for Mr. Bob Saget to finally get honored with a lifetime achievement award from the Academy of Motion Pictures and Broadcasting.

5.  A law protecting the children.  Who votes against that?  Do you hate kids?  What kind of monster are you?

Power

I'm wondering how much power goes into a typical blow dryer.  You've probably asked yourself that very same question thousands of times.
Not a day goes by without someone asking the President in a press conference that question.  It's the first thing most children ask Santa Clause.  You'll never see a time capsule unearthed that doesn't contain that request...

O.K., I've clearly laid out the case that we're all wondering about this.

Here's what I know.
1.  If you want to have the lights go out, you can:
      a.  flip off the switch
      b.  run your hair dryer while anything else in your house, or your neighbor's house, is on

It just seems like they blow more circuits than the Goo Goo Dolls (notorious for their circuit destruction)

I recently used the hand dryer unit at a local restroom.  I did what you're supposed to.  I carefully read the instructions:
In order to dry your hands most efficiently, please use the
following procedure:
• shake off excess water over the wash basin
• place hands underneath the unit at a distance of 4" - 7"
• rub your hands together as if you were washing them
Your hands will be dry within 25 - 35 seconds.

They went on to say that this was good for the environment and was "more hygienic".  So my question is really this simple.
-Is it good for the environment to have these inefficient blowers killing the electric bill and blowing Germy McGerm's nastiness into the air?  Shouldn't the last instruction be to then wipe your hands on your pants? (am I the only one who ends up doing this?)

lesson learned

What is the age at which you should stop going trick or treating?  It would be a lot easier if they put some sort of limit on it and then we'd all know.

Who are the "they" that should put this limit on the t & t?

Obviously the United States Government.

It's fairly awesome to see kids that are wearing full costumes, carrying plastic pumpkins full of candy in one hand and a wand/sword/prop in the other, take off full sprint from house to house to get their .2 ounces of sugar.  Keep in mind that they haven't trained in these costumes - they haven't stretched out - they haven't had any coaching...they just go.

Back to my original question - how old is too old to trick or treat?

Ultimately this is a selfish question.  I'm basically wondering how many more years I can get away with it?

Who's the weird one?

I was talking to my brother (we'll call him "Brian") the other day and he mentioned that he uses a razor with 13 blades...or something like that, because he gets three or four days use out of it.  If he uses one of those pedestrian triple blade jobs...he's lucky to get one or two days out of it.

I couldn't help but think through how long I use a razor.  Typically I'm guessing I get two or three months use out of one of my Quatros (haven't paid for one in a year...coupons people...it's so simple).  I clean mine out, and cut myself shaving about once a year.  So who is the weird one on this count?

It's not just the razors either.

-He has one child - I have three.
-He once punched Tea Leoni in the ear, and I've always found David Duchovney funny in interviews.
-He has been to a Nascar race and I would rather tape Paulie Shore saying, "Hey buddy, it's the weasel" and play it through my sleep machine every night.
-He's my mom's second favorite child, while I'm her first.
-He plays softball and volleyball in leagues, while I recently played catch with Griff.
-He has a tv that's slightly larger than Dan Akroyd's ego, while my tv weighs 137 pounds and has a 19 inch screen.
- He was third in the voting for the Heisman, I used to live near Heishman park.
-He apparently has a beard made of Kevlar and mine is silky soft.

Goose

I should tell you a few things about the goose that laid the golden egg.

First of all, he's a jerk. Just because you can lay golden eggs doesn't mean you're all that Stanley!

In fairness, if you're going to lay a metal based object
    1.  You'd want it to be egg shaped and you wouldn't necessarily need it to be that large.
    2.  You'd want a softer metal.  Gold just makes sense.

You don't want to kill the goose that lays golden eggs, but don't treat him any different than the geese that lay eggs full of delicious protein and future McMuffin fillings.

Side note:  Do you think it's possible for a goose to accidentally crack it's egg while laying it?

They don't tell you this - You're spending eighty to one hundred dollars a day to feed this guy.  Do the math, I'm just not sure it pays off in the end.
  

2 sexy?

QCP is more than a bunch of sexy faces.  We have depth, and dignity.  We have minds behind these sultry eyes and hilarious Nixon impressions.  We are people, not objects!  Sexy people though..it's in writing, so it must be true...

link

innovation

There are certain things that just aren't going to change much or get much better.
-baseballs
-rulers
-opera
-Sags
-sneezing technique
 (insert record screeching to a halt sound here...)
Wait a minute...one of these things has officially changed.  No longer will your hand be encased in flem.  This is now a thing of the past.  From now on you can give a full hearty sneeze and shake someone's hand two seconds later.

We now live in the age of the elbow sneeze.  Almost overnight we went from little kids being taught to cover their mouths when they sneeze - to now they let loose right there in the arm bend without thinking about it.  I live with a three year old that doesn't think twice about it.  You should see her sleeves.
 
I've been impressed by the number of adults who have so quickly caught on.  Normally there is a bit of a gap...How many of us have talked to some older, wiser, grand-parental soul that refuses to use one of those "fancy electric typewriters or machines that answer your phone"?  Normally I see more of a gap between old and new technology... the early and late adopters.
 
Not so with the elbow sneeze.  It's as if someone snapped their fingers and all of a sudden our elbows are 40% nastier.
 
This opens up an entirely new opportunity for someone who can engineer some sort of sleeve hankie.  I'm just saying, it's out there...now go grab that market.

Good Conversation

Prayer is a funny thing.  There are thousands of books written on the subject, and yet I feel a little silly going to a class teaching me to do something that I've done for most of my life.

And yet I am...tomorrow.  I've come to the realization that I have the opportunity to meet with/talk with/live in the presence of the God of the Universe...and maybe I should stop taking that for granted.  It's odd how cavalier I've become about it.

If I were to tell you that I was talking with President Obama about the NFL, you'd stop me and say, "what?  You were talking with who?"  It'd be a big deal.  What if God was a bigger deal than politics, celebrity or sports?  Imagine a conversation with God affecting more of one's life than a chance encounter with Tom Sellek in an elevator. 

The reality is talking with Tom about the great mustache controversy of 1999 would be a big deal. Talking with the Fella that created everything might be as well.  So what do you think you'd talk about or even think about more?

I honestly haven't taken prayer that seriously.  I just sort of do it.  Tomorrow is more about my decision to put some thought, energy and time into my conversations with God.

It's about time...

Combine Labor & Love

That's a decent piece of advice that I heard this morning.  Combine Labor & Love.

That's pretty straight forward...easier said than done...

A couple of decent examples of combining the two:

1.  My dad owned a record distribution company, taught martial arts to the Columbus Police, recorded a bunch of albums with his band, bought and sold a few dozen houses, wrote/performed/produced/directed a ton of commercials, and produced me.  He used to say, "find a hobby that will make some money, not cost you money".  I guess I've been hearing that same advice for most of my life and that's why it rang true when I heard Zach Galifianakis repeat it.

2.  Mr. Bob Saget

One not so great example of combining Labor & Love

enigma

I am a man who may or may not be a member of the Illumanati?  Who knows?  I wear socks of different color and length.  I will sing your praises, and do it out of tune.
Who knows what will happen next?
Paper or Plastic?  I say, "yes please"
Don't fence me in, because I like to play football in MY backyard.
Who is this mysterious man that didn't work yesterday?  Did the swine flu take him in, or was it a 24 hour bug?  What if I told you my bug couldn't last 24 with this cat?  Does that change the actuary table of my health plan Mr. Insurance Man? 
I wear white only ON Labor Day!
Want to know what makes me tick?  I'm digital baby. 
I'll self reference as a cat even though I'm allergic.

Moral Dilemmas

Moral Dilemma #1:  Griffin lost his glasses and we need to have them replaced.  Here's where it gets sticky...our optomotrist is great, and he's also our neighbor...and he'd also charge us $200 to get Griff his next pair of lost glasses.  We can get cheap spectacles online or at a local mega mart for Griff to lose for a quarter of the price.  So, do we call our good friend/neighbor/eye doctor and ask for his prescription?  Keep in mind that if we do save $150, we can finally get that marble cherub peeing in the garden fountain that we've always wanted...and how would that now increase the value of his home?

Moral Dilemma #2:  Should I steal from stores?

Moral Dilemma #3:  We have a balloon that we keep for sighting aliens, weather patterns and high school football games.  Should we have Cooper climb into it while we occupy ourselves with tv auditions and taffee pulls?


Moral Dilemma #4:  If I knew that a friend of mine wears shoes that were last seen on the feet of the elf that wanted to be a dentist in a popular Christmas story - should I plan to stage some sort of intervention?

televangelists

Two of my last three churches are now doing satellite campuses.  All of the satellite campuses I've heard of have separate greeters, childcare workers, bands, and announcement folks...but the same speakers....on the tv.

Of the last 12 people I've asked, zero have said they'd like to watch a sermon on video.
Give the people what they want?

It's hard for me to think that this isn't about ego or numbers.

It's a church plant, but the numbers still count for the host church.  Numbers!
It's another church where the speaker gets to be the main focal point.  Me!

I believe most churches have 2-5% of their people who are probably somewhat capable of speaking on the weekend.  Huge churches have hundreds of people and small churches have a few.  If you're going to create a separate environment for a group of people...and have an entirely different band and everything else...what's so sacred about the guy or gal speaking?  Is that part less important than the announcement person...and that's why it's ok to pipe them in from across town?  Is that part more important and that's why we have to have them, even if it's only a video feed?

Is a good speaker harder to get than a good band?  If you feed video of a speaker, couldn't you feed video of the band?  Would it be that crazy to just turn on the tv and show the latest televangelist? 

I've heard about the church that has several services going on at once.  They have the country music one, the contemporary one, the traditional one...and the one thing they all share is video of the speaker.  Does it make sense that people have different tastes in music?  Different styles?  Different ways that they prefer to focus on God?  Sure...so find ways that connect to those people through atmosphere, music..but make sure they all have the exact same style of communication when it comes to the speaker?  Does that seem logical?

I think I understand the basic advantages of a satellite campus over a church plant.
1.  You'd save money on staff and resources because you could share those resources.
2.  also, you'd have...or there'd be less...um...well, ultimately you'd have to admit that there would be...?

I haven't read dozens of books on this and I sure haven't spoken to more than four or five churches that have done this...I just don't understand it.

I tried warning everyone yesterday...

Looks like the Murphy girls aren't feeling so well today...
but how cool is Griff for making his mom breakfast in bed?

service to the people

I've compiled a list of helpful hints for those of you who would like to decrease your odds of getting the swine flu.

#1  Stop calling it H1N1.  We had a good thing going here when we called it the swine flu.  If dumb people think they'll get it from eating bacon, well that's just more bacon for you and me.  Win/Win.

2.  Wash your hands.  You could make a decent argument that this is a pretty solid life rule, but let's step it up a bit for the next month or so.

3.  Stop letting your friends sneeze into your salad.  Another good life rule. 

4.  You shouldn't share gum that's already been chewed.

5.  When someone wants to give you a high five after a big catch, maybe go into an elaborate touchdown dance until they've lost interest or your team gets penalized.

6.  Don't make out with anyone who has the swine flu.

7.  Don't share a needle with anyone who has the swine flu (knitting or otherwise).

8.  Bathe in Purell, Scope or rubbing alcohol.

You're welcome

Columbus Day Revisited

I'm taking today as my own personal Columbus Day.  I missed out yesterday on all the celebrations.

No spyglasses and funny hats.  No pasta fazool or skurvy.  I just sat around and didn't appreciate all that Chris brought us.
 
Did you know that Columbus, Ohio was named after him?  It's true.  Oh sure.  Yup.  Don't believe me?  Look it up.

Want to know something else?  In most grade school classes, he's seen as the guy who discovered this country and then helped the English take it from the people living here.  He was like that bully who took your lunch money and then years later you elected him mayor.

In any case, I missed it.  It dawned on me when I went out to get the mail....no mail...it must be a national holiday, or nobody likes me & nobody wants to sell me anything...
 
Well today is my Columbus day revisited.  Today I will wear funny hats, stay home while Annie goes to the dentist, eat some pizza and claim my neighbor's yard as my own. 

I think Chris would have wanted it that way...