Friday, October 30, 2009

Who's the weird one?

I was talking to my brother (we'll call him "Brian") the other day and he mentioned that he uses a razor with 13 blades...or something like that, because he gets three or four days use out of it.  If he uses one of those pedestrian triple blade jobs...he's lucky to get one or two days out of it.

I couldn't help but think through how long I use a razor.  Typically I'm guessing I get two or three months use out of one of my Quatros (haven't paid for one in a's so simple).  I clean mine out, and cut myself shaving about once a year.  So who is the weird one on this count?

It's not just the razors either.

-He has one child - I have three.
-He once punched Tea Leoni in the ear, and I've always found David Duchovney funny in interviews.
-He has been to a Nascar race and I would rather tape Paulie Shore saying, "Hey buddy, it's the weasel" and play it through my sleep machine every night.
-He's my mom's second favorite child, while I'm her first.
-He plays softball and volleyball in leagues, while I recently played catch with Griff.
-He has a tv that's slightly larger than Dan Akroyd's ego, while my tv weighs 137 pounds and has a 19 inch screen.
- He was third in the voting for the Heisman, I used to live near Heishman park.
-He apparently has a beard made of Kevlar and mine is silky soft.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


I should tell you a few things about the goose that laid the golden egg.

First of all, he's a jerk. Just because you can lay golden eggs doesn't mean you're all that Stanley!

In fairness, if you're going to lay a metal based object
    1.  You'd want it to be egg shaped and you wouldn't necessarily need it to be that large.
    2.  You'd want a softer metal.  Gold just makes sense.

You don't want to kill the goose that lays golden eggs, but don't treat him any different than the geese that lay eggs full of delicious protein and future McMuffin fillings.

Side note:  Do you think it's possible for a goose to accidentally crack it's egg while laying it?

They don't tell you this - You're spending eighty to one hundred dollars a day to feed this guy.  Do the math, I'm just not sure it pays off in the end.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

2 sexy?

QCP is more than a bunch of sexy faces.  We have depth, and dignity.  We have minds behind these sultry eyes and hilarious Nixon impressions.  We are people, not objects!  Sexy people's in writing, so it must be true...


Monday, October 26, 2009


There are certain things that just aren't going to change much or get much better.
-sneezing technique
 (insert record screeching to a halt sound here...)
Wait a of these things has officially changed.  No longer will your hand be encased in flem.  This is now a thing of the past.  From now on you can give a full hearty sneeze and shake someone's hand two seconds later.

We now live in the age of the elbow sneeze.  Almost overnight we went from little kids being taught to cover their mouths when they sneeze - to now they let loose right there in the arm bend without thinking about it.  I live with a three year old that doesn't think twice about it.  You should see her sleeves.
I've been impressed by the number of adults who have so quickly caught on.  Normally there is a bit of a gap...How many of us have talked to some older, wiser, grand-parental soul that refuses to use one of those "fancy electric typewriters or machines that answer your phone"?  Normally I see more of a gap between old and new technology... the early and late adopters.
Not so with the elbow sneeze.  It's as if someone snapped their fingers and all of a sudden our elbows are 40% nastier.
This opens up an entirely new opportunity for someone who can engineer some sort of sleeve hankie.  I'm just saying, it's out go grab that market.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Good Conversation

Prayer is a funny thing.  There are thousands of books written on the subject, and yet I feel a little silly going to a class teaching me to do something that I've done for most of my life.

And yet I am...tomorrow.  I've come to the realization that I have the opportunity to meet with/talk with/live in the presence of the God of the Universe...and maybe I should stop taking that for granted.  It's odd how cavalier I've become about it.

If I were to tell you that I was talking with President Obama about the NFL, you'd stop me and say, "what?  You were talking with who?"  It'd be a big deal.  What if God was a bigger deal than politics, celebrity or sports?  Imagine a conversation with God affecting more of one's life than a chance encounter with Tom Sellek in an elevator. 

The reality is talking with Tom about the great mustache controversy of 1999 would be a big deal. Talking with the Fella that created everything might be as well.  So what do you think you'd talk about or even think about more?

I honestly haven't taken prayer that seriously.  I just sort of do it.  Tomorrow is more about my decision to put some thought, energy and time into my conversations with God.

It's about time...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Combine Labor & Love

That's a decent piece of advice that I heard this morning.  Combine Labor & Love.

That's pretty straight forward...easier said than done...

A couple of decent examples of combining the two:

1.  My dad owned a record distribution company, taught martial arts to the Columbus Police, recorded a bunch of albums with his band, bought and sold a few dozen houses, wrote/performed/produced/directed a ton of commercials, and produced me.  He used to say, "find a hobby that will make some money, not cost you money".  I guess I've been hearing that same advice for most of my life and that's why it rang true when I heard Zach Galifianakis repeat it.

2.  Mr. Bob Saget

One not so great example of combining Labor & Love

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I am a man who may or may not be a member of the Illumanati?  Who knows?  I wear socks of different color and length.  I will sing your praises, and do it out of tune.
Who knows what will happen next?
Paper or Plastic?  I say, "yes please"
Don't fence me in, because I like to play football in MY backyard.
Who is this mysterious man that didn't work yesterday?  Did the swine flu take him in, or was it a 24 hour bug?  What if I told you my bug couldn't last 24 with this cat?  Does that change the actuary table of my health plan Mr. Insurance Man? 
I wear white only ON Labor Day!
Want to know what makes me tick?  I'm digital baby. 
I'll self reference as a cat even though I'm allergic.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Moral Dilemmas

Moral Dilemma #1:  Griffin lost his glasses and we need to have them replaced.  Here's where it gets sticky...our optomotrist is great, and he's also our neighbor...and he'd also charge us $200 to get Griff his next pair of lost glasses.  We can get cheap spectacles online or at a local mega mart for Griff to lose for a quarter of the price.  So, do we call our good friend/neighbor/eye doctor and ask for his prescription?  Keep in mind that if we do save $150, we can finally get that marble cherub peeing in the garden fountain that we've always wanted...and how would that now increase the value of his home?

Moral Dilemma #2:  Should I steal from stores?

Moral Dilemma #3:  We have a balloon that we keep for sighting aliens, weather patterns and high school football games.  Should we have Cooper climb into it while we occupy ourselves with tv auditions and taffee pulls?

Moral Dilemma #4:  If I knew that a friend of mine wears shoes that were last seen on the feet of the elf that wanted to be a dentist in a popular Christmas story - should I plan to stage some sort of intervention?

Monday, October 19, 2009


Two of my last three churches are now doing satellite campuses.  All of the satellite campuses I've heard of have separate greeters, childcare workers, bands, and announcement folks...but the same speakers....on the tv.

Of the last 12 people I've asked, zero have said they'd like to watch a sermon on video.
Give the people what they want?

It's hard for me to think that this isn't about ego or numbers.

It's a church plant, but the numbers still count for the host church.  Numbers!
It's another church where the speaker gets to be the main focal point.  Me!

I believe most churches have 2-5% of their people who are probably somewhat capable of speaking on the weekend.  Huge churches have hundreds of people and small churches have a few.  If you're going to create a separate environment for a group of people...and have an entirely different band and everything else...what's so sacred about the guy or gal speaking?  Is that part less important than the announcement person...and that's why it's ok to pipe them in from across town?  Is that part more important and that's why we have to have them, even if it's only a video feed?

Is a good speaker harder to get than a good band?  If you feed video of a speaker, couldn't you feed video of the band?  Would it be that crazy to just turn on the tv and show the latest televangelist? 

I've heard about the church that has several services going on at once.  They have the country music one, the contemporary one, the traditional one...and the one thing they all share is video of the speaker.  Does it make sense that people have different tastes in music?  Different styles?  Different ways that they prefer to focus on God? find ways that connect to those people through atmosphere, music..but make sure they all have the exact same style of communication when it comes to the speaker?  Does that seem logical?

I think I understand the basic advantages of a satellite campus over a church plant.
1.  You'd save money on staff and resources because you could share those resources.
2.  also, you'd have...or there'd be, ultimately you'd have to admit that there would be...?

I haven't read dozens of books on this and I sure haven't spoken to more than four or five churches that have done this...I just don't understand it.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I tried warning everyone yesterday...

Looks like the Murphy girls aren't feeling so well today...
but how cool is Griff for making his mom breakfast in bed?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

service to the people

I've compiled a list of helpful hints for those of you who would like to decrease your odds of getting the swine flu.

#1  Stop calling it H1N1.  We had a good thing going here when we called it the swine flu.  If dumb people think they'll get it from eating bacon, well that's just more bacon for you and me.  Win/Win.

2.  Wash your hands.  You could make a decent argument that this is a pretty solid life rule, but let's step it up a bit for the next month or so.

3.  Stop letting your friends sneeze into your salad.  Another good life rule. 

4.  You shouldn't share gum that's already been chewed.

5.  When someone wants to give you a high five after a big catch, maybe go into an elaborate touchdown dance until they've lost interest or your team gets penalized.

6.  Don't make out with anyone who has the swine flu.

7.  Don't share a needle with anyone who has the swine flu (knitting or otherwise).

8.  Bathe in Purell, Scope or rubbing alcohol.

You're welcome

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Columbus Day Revisited

I'm taking today as my own personal Columbus Day.  I missed out yesterday on all the celebrations.

No spyglasses and funny hats.  No pasta fazool or skurvy.  I just sat around and didn't appreciate all that Chris brought us.
Did you know that Columbus, Ohio was named after him?  It's true.  Oh sure.  Yup.  Don't believe me?  Look it up.

Want to know something else?  In most grade school classes, he's seen as the guy who discovered this country and then helped the English take it from the people living here.  He was like that bully who took your lunch money and then years later you elected him mayor.

In any case, I missed it.  It dawned on me when I went out to get the must be a national holiday, or nobody likes me & nobody wants to sell me anything...
Well today is my Columbus day revisited.  Today I will wear funny hats, stay home while Annie goes to the dentist, eat some pizza and claim my neighbor's yard as my own. 

I think Chris would have wanted it that way...

Monday, October 12, 2009

we love those people

We had an inside-outside, upside down weekend.  My friend Luis tells a story about him singing a song that sounded a bit like that.  I usually just nod my head and force down some tandoori chicken like I understand what he's talking about...

Well this weekend felt a bit upside down.

It was the worst of times, it was the best of times.  On paper, it was a bust... We had a change of plans on the weekend and really got to experience some guys and gals near and far that reminded me that we really do have the best friends on the planet.

Annie had some incredible conversations with folks who were amazingly gracious with our changing things up.  We had a bunch of friends care for us, play with us and pray for us.

I don't have any great, life changing wisdom that grew out of these past few days, but I can tell you that our family has it pretty good...

Friday, October 09, 2009

on the road again

Going to see our friends Dan and Jill this weekend.  It's about fifteen hours roundtrip and I'm guessing we'll get roughly 8 minutes of two on two time with them.

I guess I'm ok with that this time.  When you get married there are a lot of people tugging at your sleeves and wanted a little two on two time.  I'm going to let Dan slide if he ignores me for:
1.  Jill
2.  A blood relative
3.  any professional athletes
4.  Someone who came to the wedding with an envelope with a very large check inside.
5.  Kanye West
6.  Any of the brave men and women who are courageous enough to put on their uniforms and defend their wedding

So I'm excited to see them, albeit from afar...

Hopefully we'll get to see a bunch of our other friends up close and personal...and I get to go with my best gal...

Thursday, October 08, 2009


Goals are a funny thing.  When you hit them, they're incredibly energizing and motivate you to set bigger and better goals.  When you're half way there, they keep pushing you towards the finish line. 

The problem is that when you don't hit them, they're incredibly defeating.  They sometimes make you want to quit and jump into the "why bother?" camp. (that camp sucks - horrible food and they always get beat in the annaul tug of war by Camp Michawewanna)

I'm sort of mid-goal for the month.  So far, so so...  My problem is I'm starting to micro-goal set.  I'm tracking dailly progress instead of weekly progress and it's too subjective.  There are too many daily factors that fluctuate enough to throw off results... 

Today just wasn't so motivating and I'm starting to think through big changes.  Changes unwarranted by my monthly or yearly goals...but based on the emotions of the day.  Stupid emotions.

So today I'm sticking to the plan.  I'm doing my work and cranking it out, all the pursuit of something more....something bigger.
Tomorrow I might quit, but today I'm going to work on my tug of war skills and short sheet those jerks at Camp M.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Task Force Five

I'm on a task force.  It doesn't necessarily matter what the task force is tasked with...this is more about the fact that I'm a part of a force.

I've had lots of tasks.  In fact, I have tasks every day...ho hum, what else you got mister?  Well, we are putting together this task force...  I've never been a part of a force!

I have so many questions:
1.  Do we get uni's?
2.  Will I be issued some sort of badge or laminate?
3.  At any point will we team up with another task force and create a joint task force?
4.  Will there be a blood test?  How about spelling?
5.  Is it possible that we could limit our force to five? (task force five sounds better than task force six, right?)
6.  We don't actually do any work do we?
7.  Is there a sponsor?  And if not, might I suggest chalk?  When was the last time you saw a good chalk commercial?

Tuesday, October 06, 2009


One of the great parts of my job is teaching an Alpha class at Starfire.  It's a school for folks with special needs.  It's a really great group of people and is always a blast to hang out with it was that much better to see many of them on Friday night at our Prom.

I loved the Prom last year, but this year took it up a few notches.

(video removed because it was annoying...mostly because it would turn on every time this weblog was opened)

Monday, October 05, 2009


I'm pretty close to launching my secret society.  I still need a few things though:

1.  I need a giant pair of scissors to cut the ribbon on this bad boy.

2.  I need to study a little cartography so I can figure out where to schedule meetins, while simultaneously letting people know that this secret society also loves all things Oprah.

3.  a logo

4.  I'm about five verses into our song, but I need a couple of old dudes in robes to the do the chant for the extended dance remix.

5.  We need Dan to get off his high horse and go ahead and commit to a logo.

6.  A coffee maker

7.  It'd be nice to get some of them Shriner cars...

8.  A recording secratary

9.  Green paint, lots and lots of green paint

10. Tim Allen's personal telephone number

11. A large, round table (preferably stone)

12. A catchy name - maybe something that rhymes...but I'm flexible on that one.

13. A dolly, to move the giant stone table

14.  Someone who will insert our symbol on the 2010 dollar bill

15. a good tax attorney

I'm off to Craig's list (shhh...he's one of us)

Friday, October 02, 2009

Gymnasium Rat

Went to the gymnasium this morning to get myself off the Biggest Loser.  I was on the treadmill and at some point was hit in the face with something so vile, that it pains me to describe it.
Nonetheless, that's exactly what I'm about to attempt.
I need you to imagine that an 84 year old man worked at a Vicks Vapo Rub factory and they had a very loose policy about bathing.  They were also implementing a no shaving policy and encouraged their employees to bathe in rogaine.  Robin Williams would take a look at this guy and say, "Maybe you want to trim that back fella...pardon the pun" (keep in mind that Robin hasn't been funny since Carter had him to the White House).
Back to our octogenarian friend.  He decides to take a looksy at the Vicks and wouldn't you know it, he takes a tumble right into the eye of the menthol.  What's a fella to do?   Run immediately to the gym, get a good sweat going on your way...and then jump on the treadmill next to the guy running to Jimmy Pardo's podcast.
Did I mention he gargled the stuff too?

All this to say, we're going to the Prom tonight...and it's going to be a good one.

Thursday, October 01, 2009


I'd like to step on Rocktober's toes and point out how fall they've fallen.

I just heard the 2010 Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame nominees.



Red Hot Chili Peppers


LL Cool James

Donna Summers

a bunch of people you've never heard of...

This is what I didn't do - survey 100 people and ask the question, "What genre of music do these artist fall into?

If I had, how many of these bands or artists would be labeled "Rock n' Roll"? I'd say that roughly 97% would say that KISS is of the rock n' roll category. Red Hot and Genesis would both get some votes...and that's about it.

I get that the Ladies Love Cool James, but I'm guessing roughly 100% of the people would vote him into the rap hall of fame...but rock?

How about the queen of disco? Should we vote her in to the Rock hall?

Nope How about ABBA? I should punch myself in the larnyx for even asking that.

I declare this month mocktober - it just seems like a way more appropriate way to go given the condition of our Rock and Roll.

You're welcome...