Friday, August 29, 2008

Week o'me

So this morning I'm off to the High School - again.  This is day four of Murphapalooza.  They're calling it something else, but that's how I think of it.

I was asked to come and speak at a high school for a week.  Every day.  For a week.  That's a lot of me.  I like me and I'm not sure I'd show up today.

I've decided that I can't really break out my Mork & Mindy or A Team references any more.  But who doesn't still love Batman?

One thing I know is that I don't like to speak from notes.  It's just not my thing. (side note: this is why you should never ask me to do your wedding)  It's hard to go without notes for several days in a row with new stuff. The problem is that I'm speaking for 45-50 minutes each day.  I'd personally rather go about 20-25, but they've got those darn bells that they have to live by.  If I stop short, then they're playing heads up seven up for 20 minutes.  That doesn't really fly with the 12th graders the way it did at Wilson Hill Elementary School.

So I've spoken for roughly 2 1/2 hours so far...and I'm going to crank out another 45 or so this morning...it should be interesting.

And what I mean is that it should be interesting, I'm just not sure it will be.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Is it worth it?

I’ve said this before. I think it might make sense to take a poll of 30 or 40 kids and ask them this question: Do clowns thrill you, or scare you to death?
I just wonder if the value outweighs the damage? just wondering…I don’t know
How about this one – Does the attractiveness of that particular strapless dress outweigh the chore of having to grab it with thumbs and forefingers and pull it up every 3 minutes?
Does the safety while driving and convenience value outrank the creepy factor of you wearing that blue tooth earpiece?

Is it worth $50 to buy the jersey for a team you will never actually play for?
(this one isn’t aimed at you – I say to my 15 friends that wear jerseys during football season)

Is it worth guilting people into doing something for or with you – knowing that that works?
Is it worth $400 to buy a phone that is so bad that 6 months later you’ll pay another $200 to get the same model…just a little better?

Is spending 30-60 minutes of your life watching a show that has people being judged for dancing – while shows like the Office, Burn Notice and The White Shadow re-runs are left unwatched by you?

Maybe it's all worth it - what do I know?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

socialized medical care

So we thought we'd gone to a picnic to fight juvenile diabetes.  Turns out we were also fighting the dreaded zebra mosquito.  Oh yeah, we faced the evil Z.M. and lived to tell about it...so far.

Our friends put on a picnic in conjunction with a walk-a-thon to support juvenile diabetes (actually, they're fighting J.D. - they're not supporting it at all, it turns out).  So we went to the picnic, fought the betes and then came home to relax in our sweet conditioned air.

And then we started scratching.

And scratching...

The whole family had these welts.  It was an epidemic of red spots and itchiness.  So I asked around and it turns out that everyone I know that was at the park (not named Ole) had the spots.  Luckily one of our friends went to the doctor to make sure it wasn't (A)  Staph  (B)  The Plague  (C)  Turrets or (D)  Bed bugs

Turns out it was (E)  None of the above.  She diagnosed the culprit for a few dozen of us...and all for the price of one doctor's visit.

There's a new bug in town and he goes by the name of the Zebra mosquito. 

I actually know of a way that for $30 you can fight both the Zebra mosquito and Juvenile diabetes.

Take $5 and buy two cans of Off and then take $25 and send it to this site.

Skip a night out at the movies this week...or that Dustin Diamond signed t-shirt you were about to order and help a great cause.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Here comes the blog

I have a few thoughts on weddings.  Specifically these are some of my do's and don'ts. 
(Also, a quick disclaimer:  This has nothing to do with your wedding.  When I went to your wedding it was perfect.)

Keep in mind that I've never (nor will I ever) read a bridal magazine, website or book.  I didn't obsess or even ever really think about my future wedding as a child. 

I've just been in close to a dozen weddings and attended somewhere around a hundred more.  I went to three weddings one Saturday and two on another.  There was a year or two where every person I'd ever known decided to get hitched.
Having established myself as an expert, I'll move on.

First thing first - do it your way.  Twenty years from now your mom won't look back at her special day.  You dad won't either.  This is your day, do it your way.

Think through festival seating.  First come first serve.  Let people sit wherever they want and don't turn this into which side had more friends show up.  Let the parents sit up front if you want and then let everyone else find their own seat.

I like having the guys in suits.  Let them spend money on a suit that they'll wear to future weddings, funerals, amway conventions and banquets.  A rental just doesn't make sense.

This one is important, so listen up - You need to let people leave when it's over.  DO NOT - DO NOT - have them wait in their seats while the bride and groom personally excuse/hug every single person in the building.  Nobody wants that.  It's long enough when you bring back an usher to excuse each row.  We know how to leave as a crowd.  People do it when they go to an Adam Sandler movie, and they can probably figure it out at your wedding.

If your theology has anything to do with luck, then don't get your pictures done until after the wedding.  If you've read the stats and figured out that good luck at the wedding has nothing really to do with the future success of a marraige - then do the pictures before the wedding.  Everyone is nervous or bored sitting around waiting for the thing to start anyhow, just get them over with.  After the wedding at the reception hall sitting around waiting for the bridal party to show up is for the birds.

No chicken dance.  No Beastie Boys.  I don't make the rules.  That's just how it is.

It's ok to play wind down music if the best man or maid of honor start going to long with their toasts.
Let's put a five person limit on each side.  You get one best man and four groomsmen.  Same deal with the girls.  This keeps it special.  You're one of the five best friends of someone who wasn't afraid to set limits on their how big the wedding is going to get.  It makes the rehersal dinner cheaper and makes it a bigger deal for those who are asked.

I've been told that most people won't read a blog post that's over 250 words.  I'd go on with my ideas, but I've already doubled that.  Besides, I want to leave room for "Here comes the blog part II"

Sunday, August 24, 2008

huh?

I'm sort of surprised by Obama's choice for vp.   Apparently a lot of the democrats weren't too fired up either.  This was the guy that said that Obama lacked the experience needed for a president and "the presidency is not something that lends itself to on-the-job training."

Liberal or conservative, this guy's arrogance has to eat at you.

He's the guy who told a reporter, "I have a higher IQ than you" just before he mentioned his full scholarship to college, where he won a prestigious award and finished near the top of his class.  It turns out he went on a partial scholarship that was income based, finished in the bottom 10% of his class and didn't win the award.  Oops.

I'm really just surprised by this choice.  He actually dropped out of the '88 race after he was caught plagiarizing lines from someone else's speech. (something Clinton accused Obama of doing this year)

Anyhow, start getting mad and throwing mud...I'm just saying this choice leaves me scratching my head.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Norm

How brilliant is this? He went out and did puns and jokes straight out of a 1930's jokebook. He's just the best...

Norm was known to pitch hosts really awful sketches back with SNL. He'd do that or just start telling the most ridiculous story he could come up with. Stuff that you could never do on a show. Everyone would be laughing and the host would end up asking why they didn't do the skit that made all the writers laugh. He'd always do it straight just to make the rest of the cast crack up. About 2 minutes in you can see the other comedians start to get what he's doing. For the birds, full of boloney...Brilliant

Friday, August 22, 2008

style over substance

You can make a pretty solid argument for style over substance.

Style can gather a crowd.

Style can woo people into decisions.

Style, if left unexamined, can be impressive and even somewhat inspiring.

Substance takes longer.

It's harder.

In the long run it's more significant and effective, but who has that kind of time?

It's a lot easier to just put on a big show with flashing lights, smoke machines and shiny mirrors.

If the style attracts lots of people, you'll even get a few stories out of the crowd that will give credence to your big show.

You should put all your time and energy into the flash, the style, the performance...right?

Style 1- Substance - 0

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

don't fence me in

I'm a man on a vision quest.  You can't put me in a box, I reside in a parallelogram of theology, philosophy, political ideology and collect my mail from an old man who has no rock to snatch from his outstretched hands...only a pack of camel unfiltered.

You ask me boxers or briefs and I respond with a quick, yes-and.

What time is it Sean?  It's time for you to realize that I am 31 flavors and then some.  I will tell you how it is, what it is and where it is, and then come back four minutes later with a quick - you know I was just messin' with ya, right?

Where is this guy coming from?
A mid-sized hospital in Columbus, Ohio friend...that's where.  I will race you to the curb and beat you every time.  I have a slide step that gets me out of embarrassing run-intos at the mall.  My vertical leap is almost horizontal and you can take that check to the bank for deposit...but don't try to cash it little fella, I am saving up for a rainy day.  I'm getting a hat that is also an umbrella.  I don't care what Bill Murray happens to be wearing, I'm gonna throw down with the best of them today.

Where do you keep your socks?  I keep them in a drawer.  The man has made me conform to his sock policy, but I happen to be doing this under the guise of winning over his trust.  You just wait Man.  Just when you think I'm sheep #23 I will come at you like a cocoon of horror.

My fence is made of sour apple taffy.  It has been made to stretch and stay delicious all at the same time.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

let's eliminate anything with the word "synchronized" in the title

I feel like in the Olympics you get to compete if you're one of the two or three best in your sport from your country.  I've found the loophole.  If you're not that great,  you can do the exact same thing as someone else in your event at the same time and your now a team.

So if you're a great diver - like a high school state champ - but not really an olympic level diver, what you should do is find someone else that dives like you do...synchronize your dives and wa la, you're on the Olympic team.

In the winter Olympics if you can't make the ice skating team, you just find a partner and skate pairs.  If you're still not good enough, you find a partner and do ice dancing.

I'm not saying these things are easy - so if you are running an Olympic fever, relax...it's ok...I'm just saying that I've spotted a trend.  That's all.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Sags Award

Mr. Bob Saget was roasted last night. 

We didn't watch it.  We're having some friends over for dinner and we told them we'd DVR it and watch it together.  I'm pretty sure we'll regret this later.

The roasts tend to get WAY out of control.  (You'll know I really mean something if I make it all caps or add two or three exclamation points to the end.)

Dennis Miller once said that a bank guard in Alaska has to have the toughest job ever.  "You've got 25 people in the bank...everyone is wearing a ski mask..."

I'd argue that roasting the greatest talent to grace stage and screen in our lifetime is a tough gig.

What could you possibly say to him?  "Bob, you're handsome, hilarious and humble...but um....you worked with those coked up twins"  See what I mean?  How could you possibly fault this living legend?

"Bob, I've got an Americas funniest video for you, it's you doing stand up in front of tons of fans and making them laugh because you are indeed America's sweetheart."

We live in a golden era my friends...golden indeed.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Hey now you're an All Star

I'm putting together a Hall of Fame.  I know it's nice to be inducted to a Hall of Fame while you're still around, but I think I'll even include people that aren't necessarily alive (like Mother Theresa, Roberto Clemente and Natalie from The Facts of Life).

The baseball All Star team doesn't make sense to me because it's in the middle of the season (and they include designated hitters).  This is the topsy turvey nature of my All Star list - even though I think the baseball All Star team thing is silly...I'm putting together a Hall of Fame mid-season (or mid-life in some cases)
I'm not limiting my H.O.F.  inductees to just one sport or one group.  I know there is already a football hall of fame, golf H.O.F., pro wrestling H.O.F. (The only one Pete Rose made it into) and just about every high school has a hall of fame....but do you know of anyone that's put together a personal hall of fame?
You do now.
What has two thumbs and just created a hall of fame?  This guy...(also the punchline to my favorite Metz family joke) (and sadly I don't have any pictures of  me pointing to my own self with two thumbs...but you get it)
This will be more of an online Hall that you can visit electronically.  I think they would have wanted it that way.
First Induction - My mom.
You do the math, it just makes sense.  She's largely responsible for bringing the creator of the SMMHOF in the first place.  It'd be silly not to put her in.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

cranky genius doctor

A bedroom's gotta have a closet and a door.  I don't make the rules. 

You walk me into just about any house in your neighborhood and I'll find the bedrooms.  That would also be kind of creepy if you don't know them.

I get bedrooms.  I understand that if a room has a table it's probably the dinning room.  If there's a sink and a fridge, it's the kitchen...but where did the name kitchen come from?
Dinning room makes sense.  Bedroom makes sense.  Kitchen?
I lived in the same house for over 12 years in Worthington (home of the cardinals) and I still couldn't tell you which room was the living room and which was the family room.

I've been told that the living room at our current house is the room that nobody really lives in.  It's a decoration.  It's a waste.  It's not green.  By the way - if you have an extra room that you don't use and you're getting on someone about not recycling...well that's just silly.  If you have more than 1,000 square feet for each person in your house - and you're telling people what to do with their cans...well that's just sort of hypocritical. 

Not really my point though.

I'd like to simplify.

Bedroom, Bathroom, Fridgeroom, TVroom, don't ever go in room, and underground room.

I think you'll all agree that this just seems to make sense, and wouldn't you all sleep better knowing that?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

is this funny?

Young Brad (he of the capri pants and cool wife) and I were talking about what to do to bring out the 'ol creative juices for a thing last week.  In the midst of bouncing ideas around the room, I thought of this little gem.

Sadly I can't link that little gem because I deleted it.  I'll have to describe it for you.

First you need to take a look at this.

I thought it'd be funny to create a blog that nobody would ever actually read, but we'd show to the crowd.  The title of the blog was "What Dave Should Have Said".  We were going to photoshop his blog and just change the title, but it was actually quicker to create an actual blog.  It's just that easy.  So I copied this picture and created a fake post...and wa la...faux blog.

We didn't end up using it, but I still like the idea.  If you don't know Dave, he's one of the Pastors over at the Vineyard Community Church in beautiful downtown Springdale.  He wrote a clever blog entitled "What I meant to say" and it's a creative way to go into greater detail to make points that time wouldn't allow for on his weekend sermon.  It also gives people a forum to ask questions or comment on the topic.  It's really win win...except sometimes the comments get a little silly.

I personally think he would have laughed at the fake blog. He doesn't take himself too seriously and what's not funny about a mock blog?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Going Bananas

Mat Thornburg just might be the funniest person in the city of Cincinnati. (out of over 335,000 people)  He's a guy I've hung out with a bit and he's entered a comedy contest.  He made it into the competition, and then into the semi-finals and now he's in the finals.  He'll be performing tomorrow night in the amateur division at Go Bananas.

Tickets are $6 and I've been told that the finals tend to sell out.  Some friends and I went to the last round and it was great.  They had six amateurs and six semi-pro's and then a feature act that was on Comedy Central later in the week.  A bunch of us will be there this week and it promises to be fun.  You should check it out if you're in the neighborhood.  The more the merrier.  Call 513.984.9288 for tickets.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Olympic Fever

I'm not sure I have olympic fever, but I definitely have a headache and night sweats.  I've been trying to figure out if I'm being unpatriotic or do I just not enjoy trampoline as a sport?

I don't care about watching swimming on tv for three and a half years, but now I have to watch the women's 300 free?  Is that even a race?  Doesn't matter.  I don't really care much about diving, and if you put two people together and have them dive the exact same way....well then I don't really care times two.

I'm going to take the stance that it'd only really be unpatriotic if I was rooting for Korea. 

Several times I've mentioned sports I don't really enjoy and would hear about my xenophobia.  It's really a sore subject if you mention that soccer is boring.  It's not that you don't like this great sport Sean, it's just that you're a stupid American who doesn't enjoy the world's most popular sport.  I actually hear the same -it's popular so it must be good - argument from folks who like NASCAR.  I'm just not sure that that's necessarily true  Maybe I'm wrong and Hannah Montana is a great singer.  It's possible that crack really is a good thing.  Maybe I should follow the trends more and figure out what the best things are?

So I got sidetracked a bit.  I'm just saying that the Olympics aren't really my thing.

Is that so wrong?

Friday, August 08, 2008

The Leadership Summit

The best thing I heard all day

"If you are following Jesus and you feel safe, there's a pretty good chance you're not following Jesus"
-Gary Haugen  president and founder, International Justice Mission

He talked about body builders who have these huge muscles...and to what end?  Ultimately they're the guys you call into the kitchen to open the jelly jars.  We have all this...and this is what we do with it?

I'm 84% sure I screwed up that quote...but the point remains.

I'm not sure I disagree.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

gettin' ink

You have to ask permission or even question the existence of some tattoos.  On Fuller's favorite show, Jay often will play this game - Tattoo or no Tattoo.  I watched it once in the hopes of seeing HervĂ©  Villechaize, but sadly it was just about getting body ink.  The point of the game was asking questions of people and then having the audience guess whether or not that person had a tattoo.

So there are many kinds of tattoo folks.
-those who want to show off their ink
-those that don't

I sort of get the first one.  They want to show the world just how much they love their mom, barbed wire or anchors.  Who wouldn't?

Some people go with colorful cartoonish pictures and some people go more with the prison tattoo style.

Some people put their ink on their bathing suit parts and only one or two people get to see that one (or maybe more, I'm not here to judge).

What if your'e in a totally different category?  You want a tattoo, but you're not that interested in getting a picture of a butterfly on your crotch?  You just want the ink, but you don't necessarily want people to ever see it...or at least not often?

What if you want the tattoo, but are not sure you could handle the pain?

What if you want to do something original, but people have covered their entire bodies with tattoos...and how are you possibly going to do something new with a drawing on your body?

Well here's your answer.  Get a tatoo on the bottom of your foot - right under your heel.  It's probably the toughest skin you've got.  It probably won't hurt that much.  Have you ever seen a tattoo on the bottom of someone's foot?  It's original. 

So get a tattoo of Tattoo on your heel underside (gotta be a better descriptive word there) and shout to your eventual mortician that you wanted to give him something to look at as he ties on the 'ol toe tag.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

"this guy is great" - Mike

We could all use a publicist.  It'd be nice to have someone take your really tough phone calls and to have someone brag for you.  It's awkward to mention casually, "so yeah, I was getting my award for being the employee of the month when Steve mentioned that I probably should just go ahead and get my employee of the year plaque now..."  What if you had an agent that stopped by your house when you had the poker game going? 

"This is Mike, he's a friend of mine...just happened by.  So, Mike....what's new?"  "Oh wow, I just wanted to congratulate you Sean."  (others take notice)  "Congratulate you for what Sean?" says Brad.  "Oh, it's nothing really"  "Don't let him get away with it Brad, Sean was just given the employee of the month prize and is a lock to get employee of the year.  He's the greatest!"
It just makes sense.  Think about that one.
I think first in line for the non-traditional publicists should be the killer whales.  Not a bad name if you're in a metal band, but it's just not doing much for your image to be seen as a bunch of killers.  Maybe start pushing the name Orca again.  See if that one flies.  If you're born into an Orca family and have never actually murdered anyone, I think it's probably unfair to just lump you in with a few violent relatives who fly off the handle from time to time.  Let's give that little fella a chance.
Maybe he's an angry whale or even a disrespectful whale...but killer?  Come on...that's just harsh.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Lunchtime bloggin’

Slept on the couch last night. Parker was up a bunch and we couldn’t figure out how to get her to go back to sleep. It’s been a pattern for the last couple of weeks. I usually sleep through the whole thing. Last night I couldn’t. I had a small glimpse into what Annie goes through every night while I dream of butterflies and the Comedy Central Roast of Mr. Bob Saget.

So I didn’t get out of couch until 7:45 and was running late to work. Typically I jot down a quick little post while breakfast is cooking.

Today you get a post from my desk during lunch.

So here goes.
I’m going to blog. This is my weblog thought for the day:

ok, I um…don’t really have a thought for the day….more of a suggestion.

I um…think you should have your pet spayed or neutered. Just because Mr. Barker is in retirement somewhere doesn’t mean that this important and powerful message shouldn’t go out to the masses. If we could just get every 10th blogger to share this rally call, well I think we could make a dent in the Barker vacuum that we’ve experienced these past few months.

Monday, August 04, 2008

a rose by any other name would still have thorns...think about that one

We've been married for awhile, and this might seem kind of lame....we don't have a good combined name worked out yet.

Ben and Jennifer were Benifer.  Brad and Angelina are Bradgelina.  David Argquette and Courtney Cox are weird.  So what do we have?

Seannie?  Annean?  There a tremendous amount of pressure put on to us by society at large and I really feel like we've dropped the ball.  It's to the point where I think we can safely say that one of us will be changing our name in the near future. 

I just haven't figured out what we'll eventually go with.  I guess I know what I'll be doing today...

Friday, August 01, 2008

Yeah and it's driving me nuts

So the Pirates traded Jason Bay to the Red Sox (basically).  They're getting some young guys that they hope will get better.  The odds are that none of them will be as good as Jason Bay, but maybe a couple of them will be ok.  If one of the four players is as good as him, that'd be a really good thing.
They're trading one player that is really good now for a possible player that might be good in the future.  That's what they do.  They develop players and then trade them once they get good.  Occasionally they'll keep enough of the good players that they'll be a good team, but generally they sell them off when they're really good.

I was at the 1979 NLCS and saw the Pittsburgh Pirates beat up the Cincinnati Reds on their way to the World Serie title.  I also saw the 1990 Pittsburgh Pirates get beat up by the Cincinnati Reds in the NLCS (when they had a young, future Red Sox pitcher by the name of Tim Wakefield....who incidentally beat the Reds in game one of the series...so you could argue that the Reds didn't really go wire to wire, but that's not my point)  My point is that I've followed the Pirates for a long, long time.  I'm a fan - not in the sense that I'm fanatical, but in the popular sense of the word...I sort of follow them.

I like the Pirates and I guess I'm ok with the big rich teams always winning.  The owners of the bigger teams tend to spend the most money and have the best teams.  They take the biggest risks (financially) when they buy the teams and they ought to reap the rewards.  They also get the most grief when their teams with the huge payrolls don't do well.

Because the big rich teams tend to win the most, it's that much bigger of a story when a small market teams wins one.  It's that much more exciting to have the Hoosiers win the big game against the much bigger team in the state championships.  That's one of the great things about sports.  I love upsets.  This systems allows for the possibilities of the little guy beating up the big guy for the title.

I'm only saying this because, as a Pirates fan, I feel like I have a little credibility to stick up for the big guys.  I have nothing to gain as a fan. 

Goodbye Jason Bay.  Goodbye Barry Bonds.  Goodbye Dave Parker.  Goodbye Tim Wakefield.
(by the way - the title is the punch line to my favorite Pirate joke - Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his midsection...)