How lonely would the Lone Ranger have been without Tonto?

I think I need a trusty sidekick.

Before you yell at me about Annie - I should point out a few things...

1. Annie and I are one - thus disqualifying her for sidekick status.

2. She's a girl, and I need a guy sidekick...that's just how these things work.

3. She's pregnant, do you really want to put her in harm's way? And who has ever heard of a pregnant sidekick?

4. She's lousy with grappling hooks.

So back to the trusty sidekick.
I think there are a few things I'm looking for...

1. Grappling hook skills.

2. Not addicted to crack.

3. They have to be funny...not in your face, over the top, a hundred jokes an hour funny....more like wry, witty, subtle, good for a one liner or an interesting story kind of funny.

4. They have to be open to wearing a cape and a mask...but they probably won't have to. I just want someone who's willing to look awesome.

5. We'll need to take rest breaks every fifteen minutes or so.

6. There will be no fighting of crime - I don't want to be seen as judgmental.

7. Mostly, I'm thinking that my sidekick would help me around the house...lawncare, painting, minor repairs, that sort of thing.

Anyone interested?