sick of being sick

When I don't feel well, it's hard for me to enjoy much of anything. When I'm hanging out with a group (something I do fairly often) it's hard for me to engage in any sort of banter when, all the while, I'm thinking about how awful I feel.

I found out I have crohns disease about five years ago. I decided that I was going to fight it by cutting out the foods that tended to make me sick. I cut out dairy, anything fried, red meat, anything carbonated, and red sauce....so anything delicious. I went just over two years without pizza, pop, fries, a burger, steak, or enjoying eating out.

After two years I felt great. Crohns can attack your joints and I noticed that I didn't have the arthritis in my fingers, my TMJ wasn't bugging me, I had more energy....maybe there's something real about "garbage in, garbage out" (It's obviously true for what I read, watch, or spend my thinking time soaking in) When I feel great, it's hard for me to remember the pain...and it's hard for me to be motivated to keep going with the discipline. I moved to a new city and was meating 3-5 people a day...usually out somewhere.....so I started eating whatever I wanted. And now, here I am...back in pain....and motivated to change once again.

In the past two weeks I find myself leaving social situations because I just am in pain. I've looked up the directions to our emergency room twice and driven towards the hospital once. I know they can't fix crohns and it doesn't make a lot of sense to go to the hospital just for pain...might as well wait it out and go to a specialist.

Today I'm going to a specialist. I've decided that whatever medicine they give me, or test they put me through (you'd think they'd have a less invasive way of checking me out...) I'm going to stop eating anything fun. No more red meat, pork, dairy, carbonation, caffeine, red sauce, candy, fried foods or anything delicious (I found out the candy and caffeine messed me up when I cut out the other stuff).

Seems like fun, huh? Ultimately I'd rather be able to hang out with friends and laugh. I'd rather be able to go play with Griff without pain. I'd rather not have to carry around ibuprofin wherever I go.

Now if I could just cut out the non-food items that make me sick, or prideful, or greedy, or jealous, or judgmental, or a jerk....