Haunted house

Sean is gone. BOO. No really, it sucks. I used to be one who wouldn't/couldn't sleep when he wasn't home. I would lock the doors, check them, go upstairs, go downstairs, lock them again, put a chair under the doorknob, then set the alarm and full out run and jump into bed so that the guy hiding under the bed couldn't grab my ankles and literally hide under the covers thinking the boogey man couldn't get me if I can't see him then I'd just sit and listen for the alarm to go off all night.

As I have gotten older, I can sleep now but usually fall asleep with the tv on and the timer set to turn it off 3 hours later.

I have also stopped asking people to spend the night while Sean is gone and good thing because Jana is leaving for the weekend, Peggy and Susan and going on a vacation, Katy and Liz are going home and since Griffin asked if he could sleep with me because, "this pillow smells like Daddy and I miss Daddy", there wouldn't be much room for Adam and Ashley too.

It is funny that part of the reason I feel safer is that there are other people in my house and those other people are a combined age of 92 months. Although, I do think that Parker could smile someone to death, Cooper could bite their fingers and Griffin could talk someone's ears off.

I have also realized how paralyzing fear, rational or not, can be. I have had many things in my life that have left me with some legitimate fears and close to countless irrational fears. Things that have left small scratches and things that have left huge gashes and things that are still internally bleeding. Many things I have chosen to do but several that I had no choice in. And as scared as I may be to sleep in a house without my man, I would chose to stay sleepless rather than let my children grow up fearful and afraid. I will fight to the end for those little people.

There is little that I can think of that I won't do for them. I am amazed at the way a heart can love when it comes to children that are your own. When I say I love my children, I mean I love them, no I really, really love them, I looooooooooooove them, there is passion and emotion and intensity behind that word that is so over used and meaningless today. To quote a friend, "Love is the most profound and most prostituted word."

As much as I love my kids, I could not, would not choose to let any one of them die. I would have problems if there was something that took them from me and but to hand them over? I can't even begin to think about the words to describe how that just wouldn't happen. So a long time ago, God did just that with His boy Jesus. It hurts my heart to just deal with that aspect of it. There was a giant, uncrossable chasm between us and God and there had to be a way to get us back into a right relationship with Him because that is what He created us for, to be in a right relationship with Him. I can't help but think there had to be another way and I am guessing God thought about it a lot more than I did.

So as I head upstairs with a chair under the doorknob (really there is), I know that the God I know as my Father that I can have this relationship with because of the way he loves me, he really, really loves me, he loooooooooooooooves me, I can sleep easy and unafraid. A guy who wrote some good stuff in the bible said once, "there is no room in love for fear." If you have a sec, you should check out that love and see what you think.

Good night Sean, I love you...