25 lies

1.   My grandfather invented tape
2.   I've been approached by the Rubiks people about coming up with a rectangle
3.   I only shave if it's not a full moon
4.   I've spent seventeen years in a row of knocking them dead on Broadway
5.   Neil Armstrong tills our lawn
6.   Every time he finishes the back yard he says the same thing, "That's one small lawn for the Murphys..."
7.   I've owned seven cars, but loved eight.
8.   Twice I've protested Notre Dame games and their misrepresentation of my people.
9.   I gave four dollars to the cancer walk not realizing that they were against it.
10. I have every written poem by Mr. Nipsey Russel
11. The fisherman's friend has never even given me a second glance.
12. I'd drink nothing but Diet Dr. Pepper if I didn't think he was so stuck up about his medical degree
13. I'm strongly urging the Amish to participate in American sports.  I believe it will greatly improve our chances in most of the winter sports.
14. I think the fifth dentist is just disagreeable and kind of a jerk
15. I'm working with Canada on their Canadian Army Knife
16. I get nervous whenever the pilot says, "ladies and gentlemen, please get into the crash positions"
17. I refuse to call a twelve inch measuring device a "ruler" as I don't believe it holds any real power.
18. I cry whenever I hear Bob Dylans cover of Groove is in the Heart
19. I believe 19 should be the minimum age of a paperboy
20. Burt Reynolds was vastly underrated as a college wide receiver
21. Two more votes and we'll have kickball in the 2016 Olympiad
22. Earaches are one of three signs that you might have poor social skills
23. Twice in the 1990's I was the president elect, but totally forgot to show up for work.
24. I've been told that if you're happy and you know it, there is no need to clap your hands.