service to the people

I've compiled a list of helpful hints for those of you who would like to decrease your odds of getting the swine flu.

#1  Stop calling it H1N1.  We had a good thing going here when we called it the swine flu.  If dumb people think they'll get it from eating bacon, well that's just more bacon for you and me.  Win/Win.

2.  Wash your hands.  You could make a decent argument that this is a pretty solid life rule, but let's step it up a bit for the next month or so.

3.  Stop letting your friends sneeze into your salad.  Another good life rule. 

4.  You shouldn't share gum that's already been chewed.

5.  When someone wants to give you a high five after a big catch, maybe go into an elaborate touchdown dance until they've lost interest or your team gets penalized.

6.  Don't make out with anyone who has the swine flu.

7.  Don't share a needle with anyone who has the swine flu (knitting or otherwise).

8.  Bathe in Purell, Scope or rubbing alcohol.

You're welcome