Thursday, February 21, 2008


I'm starting to see how one could develop OCD. I was watching a cooking show and saw this young lady rubbing e.v.o.o. all over raw chicken and then throw it on a grill pan. I couldn't help but watch her hands and wonder how she'd get the sticky death off of them.

I've always heard that if you touch raw chicken, it's just a matter of time before you get salmonella, your eyes start bleeding and you're shunned from society. Or something like that...

So this young lady walks over to the sink, like a good little bacteria fighter, and I can almost see the clear coated death on her hands. I picture the little nazi bacteria climbing all over those chicken massaging hands. She reaches over and spreads the poison onto the handle of the faucet and I can see them jumping all over the hot valve. She fools herself into thinking she's just won a major war with the salmonella - but it's only a battle - they're just waiting in ambush back at the hot water handle.

I then picture some sweet production assistant, "excuse me Rachel, but we didn't quite get that lighting right for when you flaumbe'd the corn cob" met with an ice stare and a quick, "Oprah would never treat me this way!" as she storms off the set. The production assistant tears up and turns her back to the camera guy that she's been trying to impress. She pretends that something is in her eye and goes to the sink. She wonders if she should go the next step with this ruse and actually turn on the sink to wash her eye out...

and we wait...

and wait...

and then she does it...she touches the death valve...and immediately starts vomiting up what is now a 23 minute snack.

So if you have the stuff on your hands and touch the handle and clean your hands...are you just putting the salmonella on the handle?


  1. Staph provides explosive diarrhea and vomiting in about 30 minutes. In the early 90’s a plane had to make an emergency landing in Denver because the meal they served was contaminated. Hundreds of people were sick. I’ll bet they couldn’t land fast enough that day. (Staph lives in dirt and hair, Staphylococcus toxins)

  2. Great! I put a chicken in the crockpot this morning. Now I am going to be paranoid all day that I didn't kill all of those nasty little germs and their waiting to ambush me at any moment! I think I'll go disinfect the kitchen now.

    Thanks Murph! ;)