Monday, August 25, 2008

Here comes the blog

I have a few thoughts on weddings.  Specifically these are some of my do's and don'ts. 
(Also, a quick disclaimer:  This has nothing to do with your wedding.  When I went to your wedding it was perfect.)

Keep in mind that I've never (nor will I ever) read a bridal magazine, website or book.  I didn't obsess or even ever really think about my future wedding as a child. 

I've just been in close to a dozen weddings and attended somewhere around a hundred more.  I went to three weddings one Saturday and two on another.  There was a year or two where every person I'd ever known decided to get hitched.
Having established myself as an expert, I'll move on.

First thing first - do it your way.  Twenty years from now your mom won't look back at her special day.  You dad won't either.  This is your day, do it your way.

Think through festival seating.  First come first serve.  Let people sit wherever they want and don't turn this into which side had more friends show up.  Let the parents sit up front if you want and then let everyone else find their own seat.

I like having the guys in suits.  Let them spend money on a suit that they'll wear to future weddings, funerals, amway conventions and banquets.  A rental just doesn't make sense.

This one is important, so listen up - You need to let people leave when it's over.  DO NOT - DO NOT - have them wait in their seats while the bride and groom personally excuse/hug every single person in the building.  Nobody wants that.  It's long enough when you bring back an usher to excuse each row.  We know how to leave as a crowd.  People do it when they go to an Adam Sandler movie, and they can probably figure it out at your wedding.

If your theology has anything to do with luck, then don't get your pictures done until after the wedding.  If you've read the stats and figured out that good luck at the wedding has nothing really to do with the future success of a marraige - then do the pictures before the wedding.  Everyone is nervous or bored sitting around waiting for the thing to start anyhow, just get them over with.  After the wedding at the reception hall sitting around waiting for the bridal party to show up is for the birds.

No chicken dance.  No Beastie Boys.  I don't make the rules.  That's just how it is.

It's ok to play wind down music if the best man or maid of honor start going to long with their toasts.
Let's put a five person limit on each side.  You get one best man and four groomsmen.  Same deal with the girls.  This keeps it special.  You're one of the five best friends of someone who wasn't afraid to set limits on their how big the wedding is going to get.  It makes the rehersal dinner cheaper and makes it a bigger deal for those who are asked.

I've been told that most people won't read a blog post that's over 250 words.  I'd go on with my ideas, but I've already doubled that.  Besides, I want to leave room for "Here comes the blog part II"


  1. I have a friend that literally married his step-sister. At the wedding the ushers said, "Bride or Groom side?" We politely just said, "Yes."

  2. Hence, the reason there shouldn't even be planning or a wedding ceremony. The parents, a best friend or two if you have them, and a few extra friends to watch it go down.

    The money spent on a wedding is an astronomical number which could be better spent on the honeymoon or a new car for the couple. Sometimes both.

    At the risk of being the callous ass I seem to be, I have every intention of lobbying my future wife for an elopement and reception. I think I can make the argument and convince her dad too....

  3. Bragg, a woman who will be waiting on you and your children (and bearing your children- no easy feat, believe me) for the rest of her life deserves to feel like a queen for one day, doesn't she?

    Seriously, once you find a wonderful woman and you love her more than yourself, you'll want to give her the most special, beautiful day you can. At least I hope you will...

  4. So I need to plan, stress, and spend a crap ton of money to make her feel that way? That's how I show her how much I love her?

    Sorry, I guess I'm too much of a pragmatist.

    I'm not against making her feel special. She is special, afterall, to choose me among the many better choices in this world. But there is far too much stress, as Murph suggests, in selecting things like font for the invitations, how many people are in the wedding party, what people are supposed to do while waiting for the reception to begin, which color of flowers to give the flower girl, and on and on and on and on.....

    How much of that is really necessary? How much of that matters 1 year, 3 years, 25 years after the wedding? You can make it memorable and special without all the brouhaha associated with this stupid, overdone, bull crap.

    Jeez, why do we even need to have things like engagement rings for that matter? Why do I need to spend 3 times what I think I can afford? Does that really show her how much I love her?

    I'm in favor of wedding bands, a really nice vacation, and the support of the families to do what we feel is right. I just see better ways to spend the amount of a third world countries GDP.

  5. I am all for wedding bands and eloping and I'm a girl.

    And I will do all I can to get our kids to elope.

  6. Why dress up and go out for a really nice dinner occasionally (why not just go in your sweats to Burger King? It's easier, cheaper and the food is OK)?
    Because once in awhile, it's fun to dress up and pretend to be something you're not usually, right?
    I think you've seen too many Bridezilla shows. I don't think most people are as crazy as the ones you see on TV.
    We still have a few invitations, napkins, pressed flowers and our perfect cake top and when we look through our memory box, those little jewels bring back great feelings.
    Our kids (girls, of course) pour over our wedding album and talk about how pretty Mommy and Daddy are and how beautiful the flowers were and how they want to wear a wedding dress like that...
    I tripped on my dress, our cake was dry and my best friend couldn't be there. Still, it was as perfect a day as possible and the day was very special. The most wonderful day I'd ever experienced. We'd saved for it and figured we'd have the rest of our lives to be "practical"(and we have been).

  7. I don't watch Bridezilla and I have been party to planning my own wedding once. And yes, it's nice to dress up and go out. But if that is the point of the wedding day, something is being missed about the concept of marriage.

    Too much emphasis is placed on this one 3 hour event and it goes by way too fast for the bride and groom to remember any of it.

    It's plain we're going to continue to disagree on this thing. And I feel that it's far too costly and silly to make it a big deal. If that means I'm going to lose out on a fantastic woman who wants more than anything to have a perfect wedding, then I'm not going to miss too much because I'd rather have a fantastic woman who wants to plan and save and pour the resources into the marriage.

    I still can't tell you what font my invitations were printed in, and honestly, that isn't the point of the day. But, for her, it was a breaking point. And I don't see the association between something as trivial as that and the day as a whole.

  8. wait, how come nobody's upset about the "No Beastie Boys" comment?
    that's just absurd.
    not even Paul Revere?