on thin ice

I found myself reaching for my car when I was still a few strides away.  The parking lot was icy and for a moment I stepped outside of myself and wondered, "who do I looked like?"

I could see the way I looked shuffling along afraid to slip on the ice.  I knew I'd seen a scene or many scenes like this before.  Who was it?  Who shuffles their feet trying not to pull a Yamaguchi in the Olympics?  Where had I seen someone reaching for something to grab onto several steps away from their destination?

And then it occurred to me - every old person I'd ever seen walk on slippery ground.

I blame Spencer Sweeting.  A few years ago I left his house and when I stepped down onto his slanted wooden step I did a Fred Flintstone.  My feet went up higher than my head and I landed hard on my back.  It was straight out of a Three's Company episode.  Unfortunately Mr. Furley wasn't around to pick me up and I just laid there moaning.

I actually moaned.

And now apparently I walk a bit more tentatively on the ice.  I don't want to fall.  I don't even want to slip.  I'm playing it safe.

I don't want to live like that.  I want to occasionally fall knowing that I fell because I was walking unafraid.  I want to experience failure knowing that I only failed because I wasn't afraid to fail.  I want to live out my faith in a way that doesn't worry about how it will look or what other people will think. 

That half hearted pseudo-sensitive faith meant to be attractive to others (or at least to not offend) comes off as watered down and as fake as the people we make fun of on tv.  It's certainly not hot, but it's not cold either...it's sort of a luke warm thing we have going on.  It's a little faith like, but not so much that people are going to stop inviting us to the fun stuff.

I can think of three people, off the top of my head, that are living out that - no fear of man/ballsy/risky/new testament - kind of life.  These three take daily risks and get made fun of because of it.  They take a lot of falls on the ice.  It's a rare thing.

I'd love to stop shuffling through life worrying about falling or looking silly.