Friday, June 13, 2008

in the blink of an eye...

I took the kids through the drive-thru at McDonalds the other day (because I’m a good father) and noticed a sign that read something like this: “We’re not going to give you tomatoes because the government thinks they will kill you” or something like that.

I didn’t think much about it because I figured there weren’t tomatoes in happy meals.

Fast forward to this morning when I pulled into a Burger King to get a large diet coke and saw a sign very much like the one at our nation’s top Scottish restaurant.

Which got me thinking….hmmm… I had lunch out with my favorite 7 year old yesterday. He went with the grilled cheese sandwich and I went with a cheeseburger with lettuce and ... tomato. Hey! Wait a minute! The government said that would kill me!!

So obviously I wanted to leave this last post.

To all of the people I love, these are my last wishes:

I’d like my incredible wife Annie to remember me always with an 8 x 10 (ask Joe, he knows a guy) over every door in our house.
To my adoring children I’d like you to have all of the tape, paper and markers that you’re always taking and using throughout the house.
To Aunts Peg and Susan I’d like to leave you with all of the stuff we’ve borrowed over the years and haven’t returned. I’d also like you to have full use of our giant spatula.
To Mom, Brian, Angela, Connor and any relatives that I’m now forgetting and will probably never read this – I’d like to leave you my golf clubs, socks, tennis racquets, shoes, hats & my bike. It’s what I would have wanted.
Shawn – I’d like to leave you with my correct spelling of Sean
Drew – I’d like to give you full use of my electric razor and what sad little program closet I have left.
Jason - you can have my shilaly and a Murphy's on me
Dan – I’d like you to have a giant painting of a horse drawn by an artist friend of mine.
Carrie – I’d like you to have your husband back.
Paul – I’d like you to take over this, or any other church. You’re a wise fella.
Hoover – You can have all of the legos in our house that Griffin doesn’t know about.
Harmony - I'd like you to have Yogi the Bear and the apples border in our kitchen.
The Q City Players - you can have my sarcastic awesomeness....and my Abe Vigoda impersonation.
Brad – I’d like to leave you my partnership with you know who – it’s silent and it rhymes with Dity Miron.
Carissa - I'd like you to have my Billy Idol poster.
Kande - I'd like you to have my chalkboard picture frame and the speakers to my computer
Jana – you can have all of the expressions that I’ve coined and you’ve stolen.
Fuller – you can have my rough draft of ‘Grads’
Bragg – you can have my rough draft of ‘flying men without shirts’
Wolfenberger – I’d like to leave you my dad’s guitar and my cheerio’s ball
Buddha - I'd like you to have Dennis Miller's the Off White Album
Susanna - I'd like to leave you all of my business cards, and my door basketball set
Ben – I’d like you to have my collection of c.d.’s that express emotion
Nate – I’d like to leave you as a referral to my friend Geoff who is about to call you and bug you about YL.
Liz – see above
Joe – You can sit in the first row of the funeral, be a pallbearer & sing anything from Moulin Rouge
Deb – you can laugh/snort during the funeral as Annie makes comments about how she’s always hated tomatoes
Steve - you can have my parking spot at you know where
Danny – I leave you my tan
Kevin – I’d like to leave you with my signed copy of Systematic Theology – signed by me
Stacy – I’d like you to choose from any of my three names and take them as your own.
Levi – I’d like you to have the baseball glove I bought – inspired by your dad – that’s too small for me…especially now.
Mat – For you I’d like to leave my wrestling shoes.
Alton – I don’t think it’ll be awkward if you hug my urn
Wes - I'd like you to have my collection of magnets that look like Carrot Top
Allie – You should take my leadership notebook and my key to the YL executive jet.
To all of my best friends – and you’ll know you’re my best friend because this fits you and that’s the kind of unspoken friendship we have – I’d like you to have my 10 speed bike and three tickets to Stomp.

GOODBYE SWEET WORLD…and curse you rotten tomato!


  1. I think its pallbearer, not paw bearer. Unless I am missing the (not so) obvious joke in which case it is paw bearer and now I look like the moron, duh.

  2. For some reason, I think you will rise again in a few days.

  3. all that is left in my program closet is three sharp purple tux's, Hanz & Franz (which you had made & I used this week at camp), and a stack of "crazy Eddie" baseball cards.

  4. By the way I did tell our famous bass-o-matic story this week, and even gave a direct quote of that sweet little girl in the front row.

    "What the... !"

    P.S.A. - Remember kids, always put water in the blend with your bass

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. As a devout Meatetarian, I've been trying to warn people of the dangers of eating tomatoes for years. Who's laughing now? We, Men of the Meat, that's who. I go to Mickey D's and don't even get the bun! "I'll take a Big Mac, but I'd like to substitute the three bun slices for hamburger patties" That's right. I call it Biggest Mac.

  7. Kande2:00 PM

    Nice try, trying to sneak in your dedicated coworkers to an edited blog rather than fessin' up that we were dissed the first go-around. Hmph.

    Good thing we think you're awesome and are quick to forgive.

  8. Don't worry the tomatoe you ate was dipped in chlorine, those tomatoes are "safe"... That's what cholrine does for you, makes it "healthy."

  9. I already have your cheerios ball how about you leave me the photo of you and Soloman Davidoff in the lobby of the Esquire Theater.