Q City Players Contract Rider Goes Public

For years people have asked to see this.
Young Improvisers have asked for it, comedians, actors, you name it.  We wanted to keep this private, but it's finally been announced that WikiLeaks is going to publish this anyway...

So here is the official Q City Players contract rider:

-A black station wagon is to meet the talent at the nearest available airport and honk the horn every 30 seconds until all the luggage and talent have boarded.  The driver must wear a ship's captain hat.

-Backstage is to be open to the Q City Players fanclub 2 days prior to their performance to set up the hospitality suite.

-Chris Day's "Assistant" is to be referred to as Ralph Machio and/or Florence Henderson - depending on the outfit

-All of the non-brown M & M's are to be removed from the 33 ounce glass bowl backstage

-7 white socks are to be placed on each of six wooden stools

-No one is to look Chris Smyth directly in the eye, nor Isaac directly in the beard.

-Management is to inform the staff that at any point they may be slapped

-There is to be no mention of Joe's waxed arms

-At any point Sean Michael Murphy might require the services of a local meteorologist

-in the event of a hurricane, tornado, thunderstorm or light rain - the performers reserve the right to not perform

-Missy is to be referred to as Missy, Miss or Mrs. Jackson if you're nasty

-6 1 liter bottles of Diet Mr. Pibb and one Grape Nehi are to be cooled to 45 degrees

-a local boy scout guide is to provide Eddie with directions to 3 local Indian burial grounds

-Jen would like to keep track of everyone in the room's cellular telephones

-Absolutely no animals are to be harmed in the preparation for their performance...outside of cats...that's cool

-a tattoo artist is to be on hand and prepared to ink up any of the performer's wives at any point

-the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is to allowed instant backstage access without showing identification or anything else for that matter

-The talent will do press with the following news organizations only:
 -READERS DIGEST
 -HIGHLIGHTS FOR KIDS
 -BACKPACKER MAGAZINE
 -TV GUIDE
 -OPRAH
 -THE LANTERN
 -FULLER'S BLOG

-There are to be no urinals on the premises

-We're really serious about the urinal thing

-Alton Alexander is to be tackled if he attempts to walk on stage

-The Q City Players receive 90% of all proceeds from their:
 -Q City Players alarm clocks
 -Q City Players slippers
 -Q City Players autographed Styrofoam cups
 -Q City Players tote w/luggage tags
 -Q City Players gold plated, jewel-encrusted crunk cups

-No references to Dave Coulier please