The Nuremburg Soup Trial

I just received possibly the greatest e-mail since the one where I found out that I was picked by a prince to be the sole inheriter of a lot of money.

Not only am I soon to be rich (all I had to do was send them some of my info - how great is my life?) but tonight I will be dining on possibly the greatest soup of this generation.  The soup nazi ate some of this and immediately apologized for his goose-stepping, prison camp soup.  Martha Stewart had a bowl and immediately went back to jail and shanked her old roomie.  Rachel Ray gives it two "yummos" and Bobby Flay threw himself down on a broken bottle of hot sauce during a throwdown with this soup.

Not long ago one of my favorite authors penned this insightful article about this very soup.

Tonight I dine with the greatest of joy.  This stuff is so good it makes me want to smack Emeril 17 times while shouting Bam!

and this is why my wife is awesome...

problem solved...

 

now I can just start up the 'ol car in the comfort of my own garage...

wait, that's bad too

Either way, I'm looking at a car that will be snug as a bug in a rug.  Do you really want bugs in your rugs though?

Dancing with my car

I'm a few minutes away from engaging in something I detest.  There aren't many things I like less than running out to my car, unlocking it and then starting it....only to run back into the house.  Seems like I'm wasting some momentum in that whole interaction.

Warming up my car on a cold morning is one of my top four least favorite activities.
1.  vomiting nothing (also known east of the Mississippi as dry heaving)
2.  vacuuming and/or ironing
3.  going over to Brad's to hang out only to have him show you his latest line dancing moves
4.  Warming up the car
5.  watching any show with the word "dancing" in the title
6.  why am I still making this list?  I was really just talking about the top four?  I hate it when I do this...

So today wouldn't normally be that bad.  Someone in Michigan right now is saying, "that's not cold, cold is when you lose an appendage and don't feel it because you're out tanning" and that's when I answer, "yeah, but your football team is a bunch of stupid heads" and walk away triumphant in our superior football and weather....who's the big winner now Michigan?

I won't have to de-ice the locks or scrape the windows - it's just that today is the beginning of future such outings...at least I won't be dry-heaving while running out to the car...

Praying to Oprah

I've heard it said that you can discover who your "god" is by looking at your palm pilot.  I think what they're saying is that if you use a daytimer or no calendar at all you're an atheist...or an agnostic at best.

Hold on -I'm not sure that's right -  Maybe the point is that the thing(s) that you spend most of your time pursuing are typically the things that you worship/and or live for.  They are your god.

I'm not sure that adds up - unless a lot of us are worshipping St. Mattress by spending roughly 56 of our hours in a typical week sleeping.  I don't know if I know anyone who prays, studies the Bible or reflects on God for that many hours...except for you.

So even if it doesn't add up - you've got to throw in the tiniest possibility that we do tend to focus on the things that are, in fact, the most important to us.  We might make our list of priorities with God first, family second, The Office third and friends fourth...maybe even throw work in there somewhere???  I think we'd make that list in more of a wishful way.  It's what we want our priorities to be, but not necessarily where they are.

If you spend more time listening to Oprah than to God - well that's gotta say something about Steve...right?

I recently had a friend tell me that "we get as much of God as we want"

"Huh?"

"Yup"

"oh....huh....maybe that's about right"

There's often a difference between belief and action and I'm not sure it's much more than verbal.  I say one thing and it really has absolutely nothing to do with what I truly believe.  I do another and it has everything to do with what I believe.

faith without action is like the funniest videos in America without Saget - it just doesn't work...

C.P.P.

If you feel like today would be a good day to pal around, but you've got no pal...I happen to know one.

I'm not just talking about any ol' pal.  This isn't like one of those pay pals either - because if you're paying, he's not really your pal...he's a pro.

I live with a certified peer pal.  Griffin was selected to go through Peer Pal Training and is now the proud holder of a Peer Pal Certificate.  If a new student moves into Freedom Elementary School and is in need of a pal...who you gonna call?  That's right, you want somebody that's been trained.  You want someone qualified.  You need someone who has taken the necessary course work and has the credentials that you want in a pal.

You'd call Griff.

What has two thumbs and is a pal's pal?
This guy












(the one in the middle - the other two aren't to be trusted....until they get picked and trained as pals)

I let the dogs out - me, me, me (they really had to go)

I've been doing the math and it turns out that a dog year = 365 days.  I've spoken to a few and apparently they go by the same Gregorian Calendar that you and I work with.  They're not wrapped up in printing calendars like we are, but the facts remain...same basic deal.

Sure they're still pissed about leap year, but thats one that they gave us.  They originally wanted a day that lasted a day + six hours once a year...but that's just stupid.  No offence, but dogs sometimes make really silly suggestions.  This is largely why they've decided to just go with our definition of a year.

This whole one human year equals seven dogs years silliness, well that's for the birds (don't get me started on those coo-coos).

It's insulting - it's condescending - it's irrational - and it's largely a slap in the face to dogs everywhere.

It's time to move on.  It's time for truth.

Wednesday part II

Thursdays are for suckers.  You can let The Man try to pull one over on you if you like.  Sure, everybody celebrates Thursdays...just try it...try it...try it...

Oh no, it's not a fake holiday trumped up by Hallmark and all of those fancy e-card sites with their adorable talking kittens and dancing hippos...no, they'd never try to get you to buy into their day just to make a buck...no way.

Thursday?  Really?  Are you really going to try this?

Wednesday is hump day. Friday is a celebration of all things complete.  Thursday?  It's the week telling you, "Hey, it's not the beginning of the week...and not really the end either...so suck on that lemmings"

Are you going to take that?

Not me mister.  I'm moving on.  Today is Wednesday's not quite as good sequel.  It's Fridays prequel and it's dead to me.

Not today Thursday, not today...

You don't have to give him an H middle name

We named our oldest son Griffin.  We have a friend named Evan Griffin and we liked the idea of having our kid having the same name.  Having said that, we probably wouldn't have named Griff after Evan if his name was Gern Blanston.  Cooper wasn't really named after anyone, we just wanted to yell, "Coop" and have one of our kids appear. 

At some point we were watching Waiting For Guffman and liked the name Parker...and now we have one.

We have some friends that went with all Biblical names for our kids.  I say that if you're going Biblical (Griffin's  middle name is David...so there's that) you should go big.  I'm not saying that you should name your kid God, but what's wrong with Jesus?

I know a bunch of Peters, Pauls, Davids, Johns and have even met a few guys named Moses...but no Jesus.  O.K., I know one Jesus but I don't have a "Jesus" on my phone speed dial list.  I'm just saying that I don't know anybody that named their kid Jesus.

It's too late for us (maybe?) but if you're thinking of baby names - let me save you $17 on a baby book - Jesus is a very respectable name.  People tend to like him and while it's a very well known name, it's also a very uncommon name.

Who is going to beat up Jesus?  If you're playing dodgeball against Jesus, are you really going to throw a ball at him?

Who gets invited to every birthday party and is the class president every year?

Your kid - that's who...

you're welcome

New Days Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions are so 1996.  Everyone has said, "I'll start _______ on Monday" - how lame is that?  Sure, you could start a new plan in November...but really?

I'm making new day's resolutions today.

On Tuesday, October the 14th 2008 I resolve to make some resolutions.

I plan on using the word pandemic.

I'd like to have thai food.

I think today I'll have a couple of sticks of chewing gum and blow a bubble at an inappropriate time.

I'll crank up the air conditioning while driving with my windows down and scream, "I've always hated polar bears anyways!"

I'll fight apartheid and wrestle with voter fraud.

I'll call today, "Super Tuesday" and throw confetti on people taking coffee breaks.

I might just do a jig and tell people I'm embraccing my inner Mickey Rooney.

I'll tell a fake story about stick fighting Steve in Thailand and end it with, "I guess you had to be there"

I'm going to mime, mime, mime!

Books I'm not reading right now

__________(fill in the blank) for Dummies - my always-using-his-intro-to-Psychology-class friend tells me that labeling oneself as a dummy will eventually lead to hepatitis C or watching Mtv reality shows.

Mein Kampf - that guy is a really bad dude. I'm just not sure we should buy his book.  I don't care what Brad says...

Any comic book or graphic novel. If a picture equals 1,000 words - well who has the time to read a book with 250,000,000 words?

Fuller's book - it's not out yet, but I'm waiting.

Anything on Oprah's list. She doesn't control me...does she?

Any e-book.  I hate squinting at the screen and it actually costs more to print all those pages.

The book of love.  If I don't know who wrote it, I'm not reading it.

I'm not reading a lot of books.  I just had recently heard that we're supposed to have these book lists on our blogs.  Blogger hasn't been sending me the notes on what to have and not have on my blog, so I'm out here on an island just trying to figure it out.  They won't return my calls either.
Prima Donnas.